Sick Love
by CartmansLover
Summary: Better Summary: My life has never been good. My best friend isn't the best, my father isn't a father, and my life sucks. But maybe I'll make it through. Follow Kenny through his past and present while he hopes to have any sort of future!
1. Tomorrow

Tomorrow

I had tears in my eyes that were fighting to be let free. I shouldn't be crying, I should be celebrating the happiest moment of my life. I finally have what I want. My dreams have come true more than I could ever hope. It doesn't stop the tears though. Being happy doesn't stop the thought of tomorrow. I may only be an eighteen year old, high school senior, with low class parents, no job, and nothing to live for; but in this moment I have everything. If only the thought of school tomorrow would go away. I'm not smart, anyone could tell you that, but even I know that tomorrow this will all go away. I won't be here in this house, in this bed. I'll be forced away, pushed out by my friends once word spreads. How could anyone accept me now? Everyone always thought I was a freak and I have only proven that tonight. Still, in the back of my mind I know that I am happy. Having this moment is worth what tomorrow will bring.

School is hell for me anyway. So I can almost welcome the new torture. At least people will shut up about me being dirt poor. I can't help it that my parents' only know how to fight. Still, I get teased for not being able to afford a school lunch, or even a sack lunch really. Kids' scream insults about my hygiene across the hallways. They are merciless about my looks. I must admit that my short-5'7"-stature added to my skinniness doesn't really help me. I guess being blonde doesn't help either, especially since I'm not that smart. People have told me that they liked my eyes though, and my voice. Apparently having bright blue eyes and a soft but deep voice makes up for being poor. Somehow those two things make up for a lot.

Well my voice was all I needed to get Bebe in bed. Not that anyone had trouble getting her into bed. Hell if Cartman wanted he could have her easily. She told me herself that she had slept with all the guys in our grade except Cartman and Stan. I bet she would screw Stan if he wasn't dating her best friend. That's the only girl I've gotten though. I guess I should expect that, my looks don't work for me and I've accepted that. Still I wished I could have someone else, now I have my wish-just not how I intended. When people tell you to be careful what you wish for they mean be specific. You wish for a puppy and you'll get one that is going to die, wish for a friend and you get an old person who listens. I learned my lesson about wishing, never wish for someone to love because it just doesn't work out how you hope.

Well now because of my wish I'm stuck here hoping that tomorrow will be okay, normal even. There's still a part of me that says there's still time to stop. I could run away now and we could all go back to normal. Then there's another part of me, a stronger part. That part wants nothing more but this. That small piece of me wants me to go all the way through with what ever this is and not give up. I guess my other half must be weak because I don't stop. There's really no reason for me to stop. I like what's happening-as sick as that is-and I don't want it to stop. No matter how twisted my mind is I guess I can't help the fact that I love who I love and now I have them here with me. But I know that this thing that is happening between us isn't love on their part. For them it's just getting rid of some sexual tension and keeping me happy. Maybe if I was lucky it could grow into something more, but life doesn't work like that-not for me.

I can feel a hand run through my hair. Then slowly it traces my face. I want to moan out in pleasure. I don't though. If I did anything then everything would be ruined. So I stay quiet and grin to myself and I feel sweet kisses on my jaw line. I try to capture their lips but I know that would just make this even more wrong. Kissing seriously would make this more than a night of sexual tension being relished. So I just enjoy my moment. I wrap my arms around my lover and hope that they know my love. I wish I could receive the same love or even a fraction of that love. I can feel the body above me tense I don't know why, maybe out of discomfort. Somehow I don't think that's it, maybe it's out of affection, maybe this is becoming real for both of us now. I don't question I just allow the different emotions to swallow us. Lips travel from my bare chest to my collarbone, then to my jaw, and finally to my cheek. Oh I wish I could turn my head and feel lips on mine, I still don't dare move my head. I know better than to move my head. I would just make this all the more difficult.

Oh I wish that we could just keep going. All night maybe, I'm sure we could go all night if we allowed ourselves to. The thought of school crosses my mind again. If we went all night it would only make the looks more difficult to stand. The car ride to and from school would awkward and silent unlike usual. That didn't bother me as much as the idea of not coming over after school. If it was awkward then I would have to go home-if you can call that place a home-and that would mean less time together. I don't know what's worse. I just know that if I push this something will go wrong. I have to be the one to follow any move that's made I'll go through with but I can't suggest anything. Then it would be weird because my feelings are that of love, if I suggested something it would just make me look eager I wouldn't be able to hide my true feelings.

If anything I guess I should be happy with the little amount of time I have been given. I can't afford to dwell on the past and thinking about the future is, too, painful. So instead I live for the moment. Most would say I was reckless or foolish but I say that I live. I refuse to believe I have a problem. Even if teachers send me to counselors I will stay who I am. Nothing is wrong with me, I just had a hard time figuring out whom I was, what was missing. Now I know what was missing but I can't have it and I can't even suggest it. If I even hinted about what wanted all I would get would be weird looks and snide remarks. I'd prefer to keep my thoughts in my head. I'd rather keep my dreams then utter them out loud and be belittled for them.

I guess my lover couldn't belittle me for my fantasies. In all reality they were here. I may have different intentions than they do but it doesn't even matter. I know that soon my lover and I will fall asleep in each other's arms and maybe then I will feel loved. Maybe then I will know an emotion that has always been deprived from me. That's all I want is to know love but unfortunately for me I chose the wrong person to love. I know that I'll never be loved back unless after this one night I move on. I have to stop thinking about what has happened and just think about the women I will have in the future. That thought doesn't sit well with me though, I guess I won't get over this night quickly but I have to try. I just need a little more tonight and then I should be okay all I need is a little more love tonight.

As if on queue lips travel my body once again. It's almost odd having these lips on me. Maybe that's a good thing, this sense that something isn't right. Or maybe it's just that these lips have touched everywhere on me but my own lips. I don't think that will help though. All I've thought about for the last two weeks was having my lips on those. I would only become worse if my fantasy came true. I can still hope though. I move as my lover steadies them self on the bed where their hand is placed the bed sinks and I slide towards the slope. I catch eyes for the first time tonight. Other than this moment we've avoided each other's glances. Right after that moment I can feel lips on my own. I know what it's like for love to kiss you. I can see my lover in a whole new light.

I welcome the kiss. I kiss back with everything I have left in me. I want to save this moment forever. Then that nagging part of my brain tells me to stop again. Think about tomorrow when you're at school it says-and I do. Tomorrow we won't look at each other-well I'll look but they won't know that. I'll have to hide out during lunch and not sit at my table anymore. Maybe I won't even get a ride to school and even if I do it won't be like always we won't talk and I won't turn and face them as they drive. I'll face forward and watch the world pass by. I'll be forced to walk miles home alone with no one. That's all I'll have left after tonight, no one and nothing. But still this moment scares away the thoughts of tomorrow, at least long enough to enjoy hearing my name escape their lips.

"Kenny." I want to moan after hear the husky way my name can be said, I'll never be so glad to hear my name, and it will never take me to such a high.

**AN: **All right, I have purposely tried to avoid giving away hints as to who' Kenny's lover is because then the story wouldn't be as fun in the end. All though most people have probably figured it out and if they haven't that's fine. I am trying a whole new thing here. I have never written South Park, love, or slash stories to this level before. I do hope that you will follow this story to it's bittersweet end and that you will help me along the way. I really would like the help if you are willing to give it. Let me know how I'm doing because this is new to me. Please remember that I don't own South Park or any of the characters or places you recognize, also it's South Park so please don't get offended by anything crude in later chapters you chose South Park you should know what that includes.


	2. Day One: Part One

Day One: Part One

I couldn't help but be proud of myself as I walked through the halls. My parents hadn't made it this far, which proves I was better than them, right? I mean high school alone is big but to pass all the way up to my senior year is huge. I might not have passed with flying colors but I passed besides Ds are good enough for me. Why should I care about good grades when as long as you graduate you can make a decent living in South Park? I could have a house like Cartman, Stan, or even Kyle's if I could make it through this year with few problems. All I need is one good year. No skipping classes, no ditching school all together, and I have to do some work. I want to prove I can be more. This year I will prove that I can be more.

I adjust my shirt while I look in the small mirror Stan placed in my locker. I feel naked without my hoodie. I wish I could've stayed small enough to still fit in it. Or at least have money for a new one. People can actually see me now. It doesn't seem right that people can see my hallow face. Shouldn't they be spared the pain of looking at my pale skin, my I should steal on of Cartman's hoodies, I know he has a few to spare. I remember when mother gave me five dollars to go shopping and told me to make it last. The cheapest hoodie was six fifty.

I pull up my pants so my boxers are no longer showing. I had a belt on but it didn't help much. When you are as skinny as I am there's nothing that can help. My shirts fit well but I can't afford new jeans to wear. So I am stuck with the baggy, slightly short, holey jeans. I suppose that's what I get for being poor. I don't get food and I don't get clothes. Maybe God was getting back at me for being such good friends with Cartman. Then again my parents were poor for years before I was even born. So I guess it isn't my fault…

"Hey you poor piece of crap, what are you doing?" it's Cartman I can tell from the way his voice flattens on the word crap, almost like it doesn't like saying it.

It's odd to hear Cartman say things like that to me. I guess I got used to summer when it was just the two of us. He was nicer to me then. He'd drive me to work and back to his place. He wouldn't make me go home to my parents and siblings. Hell he even let me sleep in his bed a few times. When we were alone he was a true friend, my only friend, but now we were in public and he had changed. I should be used to it by now every summer since preschool he was amazing to me then during school I was just his poor piece of crap.

"Nothing fat ass. I'm just trying not to moon the whole senior class." I want to laugh but thinking about it hits home.

Cartman just looks at my clothes. I can feel his eyes running from my uncovered head all the way down to my taped tennis shoes. He bites his bottom lip -a habit I've picked up on- and then smiles to himself. It's a real smile, a summer smile, not the usual smirk he gives everyone during school hours. He puts his right hand into his pocket and makes a face like he's looking for something. I just watch in silence waiting for something exciting to come from his pocket search. He pulls out his brown leather wallet, it's like mine except his is new and mine is almost as taped up as my shoes. He pulls some money out of it and throws it at my chest. I catch the bills on instinct and just look at him.

"I'll take you shopping after school. If I don't give you the money now I don't know if I'll be able to part with it. So meet by my car about ten minutes after the bell. I guess I'll wait for you if you aren't there but I'll only wait until about twenty after then I'll leave." He whispered all of this in my ear with a kind tone. Then he turned and started to walk away as I pocketed the money. "Poor crap, if you don't show I'll leave without you."

Fuck, I had almost started to think he would be openly kind this year. I don't know why I hold on to hope that he'll be open. Last year I followed him like a puppy, something I am sure I'll do again this year, and I still wished he would change. I idolize him too much. I know that it isn't good; I take his opinion to heart and then nothing else matters to me.

I grab my science book from my locker and close the door gently. All I can think of doing right now is stuffing my book in my backpack and going to class. The sooner I go to class the sooner it will be over. That's always something to look forward to. I guess if you were a kid like Stan or Kyle you'd like school. Cartman doesn't hate school either, he doesn't do amazingly but that's his choice. I just don't do well because I can't no matter how hard I try. I wrote a paper last year about the gay issue that was going on in politics -how some people were all for gay marriage and some were totally against it- and my teacher told me it was way to personal. I failed that class, along with two other classes that I had to make up during summer school.

_The issue of gay marriage shouldn't even be addressed. If people want to get married it's their deal. I don't care what people think and no one else should. Why should other people decide what's best for one persons life. There is no reason for everyone to be assuming they know what's the right thing and what's the wrong thing. I guess if my mother told me not to marry someone I would listen but in the end it would be my choice, so why should gay men -or lesbians- listen to what others have to say? Why should anyone care what other people think when it comes to love? They shouldn't so just leave people to their own lives. _

I guess you can't really call it a paper. The assignment was supposed to be writing a five hundred-word essay on a topic that you think matters. I didn't write five hundred words and I guess my teacher thought I was gay because I used I too many times. My teacher was always giving me this look after that. Kind of like they knew something about me that I didn't. I got me really mad so I finally stopped going to his class all together. I figured that would stop his looks. I still saw him in the halls though and his looks were worse than ever then. I was just glad that my summer school teacher took it easy on me. I was able to pass the class; I guess having 'relations' can help you with your grades. It's not like I really did anything with her. I don't think she would have wanted to if I had taken my hood off during the summer to let her see me. But I led her to believe something could happen and I passed.

As I walked the halls people walking the other way pushed me. I was sick of being pushed around by other people. They didn't even try to murmur an apology. It was like I was invisible. I'm just the poor piece of crap that follows Eric Cartman around like a puppy, who cares about me? I guess Cartman cares a little. He seems like he cares if I live or die, and he is nice enough during the summer. So I have one friend in the whole town. Stan and Kyle really don't count because they both have too many problems to notice mine. A kid -as fat as Cartman use to be- ran into me and I fell to the ground. I could feel a sticky substance come from my leg. Damn it I had fallen on something. I stood up and looked at the back of my jeans. Blood was staining my pants right below my knee. I don't do anything about it. I just grab my bag from the ground and continue to class. If I'm late I'll be in trouble even if it is the first day.

I pull the door to Mrs. Kimball's room open and rush inside just as the final bell rings. I'm proud of myself for making it all the way to first hour while bleeding out my leg. I scan the room for any sight of Cartman, Stan, or Kyle. I see Stan sitting in the back with Wendy attached to his hip. Kyle is on the other side of the room staring over at the short black haired boy. I walk over and drop my bag on the floor. Taking a seat next to Kyle I sigh trying to see if he notices I'm there, and to my surprise he does.

"Hey Kenny. What the fuck happened to your leg? You didn't try to kill yourself by cutting your thigh again did you?" he was being an ass, he had no clue what he was talking about and he shouldn't be talking about it.

"Why don't you just ignore and continue on with your little gay Jew boy fantasy. I fell down in the hallway and I landed on something I just didn't take the time to fix my leg up. I only had two minutes left to get to class."

I notice that he stopped paying attention once I mentioned gay Jew boy. I don't really care I'm used to watching him stare at Stan. It's odd; before Stan and Wendy got back together I would have sworn that Jew boy would date Stan. I thought they'd be a happy freak couple. I still catch Stan staring at Kyle every once and a while. Or if Wendy isn't with him he'll just look at the Jew's ass with his mouth open. Wendy must be blind, or she's really good at pretending. I don't care what Stan says he's just as gay as Kyle.

Gay… I guess that's what my friends are and I have to accept it. Not that I really have a problem with it but my mother is always going on about gay men and how much they've ruined her life. I don't have a fucking clue what she means, as far as I know it's father who fucked up her life. Then there's Cartman, he is always ripping at gays but he doesn't tease Kyle about it as much. I think he ignores it somewhat if it's a friend. I don't really know how to say it but I can't think of anything I would love to do more than hate what Cartman hates, but he always changes his mind.

I don't know how long I've been sitting in this chair. I just remember pulling out a notebook and grabbing a pencil. I was supposed to be taking notes. I guess my mind wandered. I look over at the Jew and he's just staring at me. It's kind of creepy having a gay friend stare at you. I wouldn't mind but everyone was looking in our direction. My eyes widened, had I said my thoughts out loud again? My father had almost murdered me two years ago; I don't want a repeat of that. I try to clear my head and allow other kid's voices to enter my mind.

"Kenneth do you know the answer?" Mrs. Kimball asked, and from her tone I can guess she's already asked a few times.

"What was the question?" I should know better than to use the lazy ass tone I just used but I really hate this class, and I've heard horrible rumors about this teacher.

"What is the answer to the forth question in your notes. Which of the following is NOT a characteristic of life: a. growth b. responsiveness c. reproduction d. organ systems? You should have the proper answer written in your notes page three." She was being a bitch on purpose; she knew I hadn't taken notes.

"Happiness isn't a characteristic of life does that count as an answer?" I realize after I said it that I'm not starting my year off well.

She folds her arms. For a moment I expect her to ask me to go to the office, or for her to just hit me. I can't tell what type of a person she is. From her dark brown hair that was pulled into a tight bun on the top of her head all the way to her gray granny suit I would think she was a hard ass. I never expect much of anyone. I guess it's just a tactic to keep people from getting close enough to find out secrets that even I don't know. I must have missed judged her though, because she laughed.

"Well as good of an answer as that may be it isn't correct. You'll need to borrow Kyle's notes and copy them tonight. Now please stay with me. I know you all hate that we're doing work on the first day back but we need to get these notes done with. We take notes everyday in this class so I expect you to have a little more care about school work…"she kept talking but I allowed my thoughts to sink back into my head.

This woman didn't seem like a good teacher. The first rule of school was never give real work on the first day. If you give work no one will pay attention, except for dorks like Stan, Wendy, and Kyle. I breathe out my mouth as though I've just taken a puff from a cigarette. I lean down in my seat and rest my head on the top. With little effort I start to count the tiles on the ceiling. I don't get very far before I fall asleep.

"Kenny get up, dude." Kyle whispered in my ear.

He made me fall from my seat out of fright. I don't spook easily but having a gay man that close to my ear just makes me jump. I stand up and collect my stuff. With little effort I shove everything back into my bag and sling it over one shoulder. Kyle and Stan wait for me at the door. It's odd having them around again. But I walk up to them nonetheless and we walk out of the room together.

"Stan I was thinking you could come over tonight if you want to." Kyle suggested with hope in his voice.

"I told Wendy that I would come over after school." Stan looked like he was upset, "I would like to come over later though. I could be there around six." Both of the boys' faces lit up.

Kyle put one arm around Stan's shoulder and pulled him closer into a hug. I was glad it wasn't me, seriously I don't have a problem with gay guys but I wouldn't want one that close to me. I just watched, as Stan seemed to fall perfectly into Kyle's arms. They both looked so comfortable. Then Stan saw Wendy… I still think he just doesn't want to believe he's gay but I don't want to point it out to him. I watch as he runs over to Wendy leaving Kyle depressed, again.

"Dude, don't worry about it. You're way better than Wendy. She's a bitch."

"Don't say that about her!"

"Woo, just calm down dude. Hell I thought you were hot for Stan not his little girlfriend. Anyway all I'm saying is I can totally tell that he's gay. He'll realize it after a while and maybe you guys can be together then."

I don't bother on saying unless it's too late. They will stay in this town forever. Most of the people here never leave. But I don't have anything to stay for. I plan on getting out as soon as I can. I don't want to be stuck here forever. I guess if I had something or someone to stay for it would be different. Bebe said she'd be my bitch anytime, but I doubt she was serious, plus that isn't what I want. I don't want to be with Bebe. Maybe I'll go to some big town where I can start all over. Maybe I'll get Cartman to go and he can be some big powerful guy and I'll work for him. That'd be cool, to just move away… just move.

"Move bastard!" I think Token is the one to yell this time but I'm not sure.

Kyle pulls me to the side of the hallway. He has to just about slap me to get me out of my own head. I just blink a few times and look around me. We're already at my locker. I guess that's why he stopped me. He must have known that I need my books for second hour. I swirled the lock around and put in my combination. I sighed as Cartman walked up while I was putting my science stuff away.

"Jew, poor crap, are you guys sitting with Stan and Wendy and I at lunch today?" he didn't seem to care much.

I considered sitting with them. I don't know how much more I can take of this Cartman though. It's only day one and he's already made me forget that we are friends. I just wish he could act normal. I shrug not wanting to deny or accept.

"Yeah fat ass, course I will." Kyle's voice flutters through my head.

Whatever trance I was in he knocked me out of it. Cartman is staring at me and Kyle is propping me up. I almost laugh as I see Cartman is helping support my weight as they walk me to class. I still feel a little out of it. I don't really know what they're going on about.

"What kind of an excuse is that?"

"It's what he says Cartman. Why shouldn't we believe him?"

"That's a load of shit. If it was true there would be..."

"Shut up he's coming to."

I laugh slightly. They were talking about my cut. They really don't believe me. I almost want to yell at them but I don't. They're being stupid and they know it. Of all the places to cut myself why would I cut my lower thigh? With another sigh I pull some of my own weight.

"If you seriously don't believe me I'll pull my pants down and you can fucking see the cut. It's fresh and bleeding, and defiantly won't look like a self inflicted wound. I am not about to go cutting myself. What do you think I am a freak?" I almost don't say the part about the freak, because it seems to fit me lately.

"No we believe you. It's just that you've had cuts before and we just worry about you." Kyle says with pity ringing through every word.

I hate it when people pity me. I hate it more when they doubt me. All Kyle is doing right now is doubting my sanity. I would yell and kick and scream if I had the energy. I want to yell at them. Then again Cartman did say he believed me, he really is a friend. Even when he's pretending to be a dick I can see the kindness trying to seep through on rare occasions. I would thank him but I'm not stupid enough to bring attention to the fact that he's getting soft. Then I think back to Kyle. Cartman has a look on his face that's begging Kyle to shut up, of course Cartman would know, I should have known he knew what really happened.

"Kenny this is a big deal," Cartman tried once again to get him to shut up. "even if you don't think it is. Death isn't as simple as it seems. You'd be leaving a lot of people behind. Last year when I saw what you did to yourself, I wanted to hate you for thinking you could just leave us here."

"Kyle shut the fuck up you stupid Jew!" even Cartman is wide eyed at my hatred; I've never been one to be hatful when insulting Kyle or Stan. "You think you know all about me but you don't. Next time you see Stan with a cut go preach to him about death. I have no desire to leave the world. I do however want to leave this town and your presence. So get the fuck away from me!"

I manage to collect myself enough to walk into my math room. I am shaking and my head feels like it's spinning. Some girl comes and asks if I'm okay. I just mumble a yes and sit down in the nearest seat to the door. I place my head on the cold wood of the desk. I wish it would swallow me whole. Just send me somewhere, Cartman's maybe. I like it there. People don't judge you in Cartman's house not like at school. School is like a living hell.

"Kyle it's none of your business." I hear Cartman yell through the door.

"You know what happened don't you? All this time you've played along when you know what really happened. Why didn't you say something? Why aren't you helping him? What the fuck is going on Cartman?"

"Kenny is fine. He doesn't need help, except a little money every once and a while. He's my best friend, and you barely know him so stop pretending like you know so much. He's been through hell and has managed to keep himself sane. He's better off than you are. At least he isn't obsessing over some boy he can't have. The only other problem is his confidence, last year his confidence was broken down into nothing. You just make it worse accusing him of false actions. So just lay off and let him be. Just for once don't make him your mission."

I can hear the bell ring over powering anything else that was said as they walked away. They would be late for class because Cartman wanted to stand up for me. I smiled at my desk and let sleep take me. I didn't want to think anymore. I just wanted sleep to take me by the hand and lead me to a nice place.

Geometry is really a sophomore class. I guess when you're bad with numbers this is what you get. Two years of concepts and a year of Algebra. Now I get to learn about shapes and shit. I am not excited. I don't care about math so I don't try that hard. I'll do the homework this year that much I'll do. I just don't think I should have to stay awake through a class I could just sleep through. So while Mr. What's-his-name is talking and droning on about rules and expectations I demonstrate. I know he'll use me as a fine example -of what not to do. So many teachers have before that it doesn't even bug me. I just sit there and sleep on the first day. It's become a tradition.

I don't dream this hour. It's odd for me to make it through a sleeping period without dreaming about something; my friends, father, mother, money, love, a life, anything really. But all I remember when I woke up was blackness. Maybe I had a dream and I just can't remember it. That's probably what it is. I probably dreamed about my father and blocked it from my mind. I look towards the clock. Second hour will be over with in ten minutes. Then just one more hour till lunch.

I look at the board. There's a small ten-problem assignment on the board. This year is going to suck ass I can already tell. I take down the assignment and then put my paper back in my bag with my pencil. I tap on the desk lightly and look at the teacher. He's really fat. Like how big Cartman used to be. It made me laugh, really loud. The class turned to stare at me. Then the sweet bell saved me from more humiliation. I sometimes loved that bell.

I don't even bother going to my locker this time. I know that I'm not going to do anything. Not only because of me but because it's the biggest blow off teacher the school's got. Hammer used to be the football coach till he got too lazy and they asked him to stop. So now he just teaches Government. I walk down the hall and turn left. I can see Cartman across the hall. He can feel me staring at him I know it. He turns and gives me a small -quick- smile. I return it with ten times as much enthusiasm. He was my best friend, even if he didn't like to admit it. I walk past his bullying attempt without a word. Once I get to the right room I sit down and stare off into space. For once I don't feel like falling asleep. Especially when I see Cartman come into the room and sit down next to me.

"Hey Kenny. We're still on for shopping right?" he sounded really gay but I nodded anyway, god what's my obsession with gay lately? "Good because I just turned down a chance with Bebe to get you jeans that fit."

"Eric you don't want Bebe." I said his name quietly so no one else would hear. "Sure she's great for a one night fling but then she gets possessive and she thinks she loves you till someone new comes. She keeps coming back to me, and I keep telling her I don't like her. Plus she's way to hard core for you. Some of the shit she did scared me, and you know that's hard to do."

"Kenny we're in school, it's Cartman okay! Now just stay awake through class and we'll head off to lunch."

I didn't say anything. I knew I had pissed him off. He would never change. He would be kind one moment and terrible the next. It wasn't always like this though. Last year brought us together. His mom's boyfriend and my dad were two peas in a pod. Freaking perverted bastards. They brought us together nonetheless. Now we're always together when we can be. He just doesn't want to admit that he's a friend with me for real. He wants people to think that he's just doing this out of pity. I look down at my notebook and write MASH along the top with numbers and a small box. I pass it to Cartman.

I watch as he fills in all the numbers and passes me back the paper. I swirl my pencil in a circle stopping randomly and counting the number of times I went around. Then I start counting. I cross of lion, serial killer, Kyle, convertible… and so on like that. In the end he's left with; Kenny, a dog, being president, having a jeep, living in a house, and one kid. I laugh then let him make a chart for me to fill out.

I can see he's watching me as I write. He wants to make sure I follow the rules. It has to be guy's names, and things you really want. We played this all the time in sixth grade and we got a kick out of it. He did the same thing for me that I did for him and I got left with; Cartman, fish, stay at home dad, truck, house, and one kid. I laugh silently when I saw my answers. Then grabbed the paper and wrote, Mrs. Kenny Cartman or Mrs. Eric McCormick? Eric just playfully hit my head and circled his last name.

The hour was finally up! I couldn't wait to get out of a desk. I said goodbye to Eric and he grabbed my arm. I almost fell back from the force that he held me.

"Hey what about lunch?"

"Oh… I …um have to put my shit away I'll meet you there." I lied.

I waited till the room was empty once again to throw away the paper. I guess I didn't want people to see it. Not that it really mattered; it was for a stupid game. Nonetheless I torn the paper in half and then destroyed it completely before throwing it away. The teacher had locked the door so once I left I couldn't get back in. I almost felt like sitting here till the lunch bell rang. But the sight of a room was too much for me.

It's odd that I waited so long to leave. Sometimes I wonder if I have another personality. I don't though I'm just one person who's confused about who they are now. It started last year, right before Bebe and right after my father… I can't even form the words can I? The thought is bitter and I taste a terrible thing in my mouth before I squinted my eyes and reopened them. I can't think about it, it hurts.

I look around the room. Grabbing my worn down bag I turned off the lights. I made my way to my locker by chance. I hadn't really been trying to get there. So with one last look towards the café I opened my locker. Shoving my whole bag inside I searched through the pocket. Inside was a small box of cigarettes. I grabbed one and a lighter, stuffed them in my pocket and walked outside. It's been one hell of a day so far but I feel like the old me again. It's not summer anymore, and it took me till now to figure that out.

**AN: **I guess this is another chapter down! This is only part one of the school day. I hope everyone is enjoying this so far. Next up is part two of the day and after that is shopping. I still don't own anything but the plot nothing has changed since the last chapter. I would still love reviews with any hints on how to be better or something like that! Thank you for reading!


	3. Day One: Part Two

Day One: Part Two

Sitting outside by myself. That's what I seem to be doing a lot lately. I put the flaming stick to my mouth again. Breathing out the smoke I feel complete again. During the school year this is the only time I can think. I like to look back at memories sometimes. But during class I have to be careful, sometimes my dreams start coming out my mouth. I couldn't think of the summers in class, Eric made sure I knew that.

A smiled came to my lips as I took another puff. He was so different than people thought. I just wish he'd show them. It'd make my life easier. I help him so much just trying to pay him back for what he did for me. In the end it's never enough and I'm forgotten. It's like poetry, as summer fades so do I. I could find a way to make that a poem. Hell Eric could do it if he was being himself.

I don't really want to think about him right now, during my happy time, but he finds his way into my head.

I remember before Stan and Kyle were in the picture. Eric was so much nicer then. Before he got cable and before he had a Jew around him he was himself all the time. His mom still thinks of him as that sweet little child, but I know better. I am the only real friend he has no matter what. He may think he's got it all figured out -me all figured out- but not even I know who I am yet so goddamn it how could he? Sure he knows just what to say to make it hurt but what, what is it that hurts?

_"Eric do we have to?" I was about four and Kyle had just moved in._

_Eric was watching a show about Hitler -I think this is when it all began. His eyes were wide with interest. All he could do was watch that show._

_"Yes, darn it Kenny! That Jew moved in and now he must pay!"_

_Eric pushed with his stubby arms and sat himself up. His legs and arms looked very small compared to his body, which was growing rounder everyday. He was walking to the kitchen just leaving me there to watch my best friend talk crazy about the neighbor boy. Watching the show it seemed like the Hitler man was bad, but Eric was always right about everything. _

_He may only be four but he was smart. I could tell because my large family is full of stupid people and he's nothing like them. He's talks smarter, and looks smarter. I guess that isn't saying much for a group of adults and teens when a four year old is smarter. So I figure I missed something while watching the show. Although I know Eric is crazy and has his problems he's always right._

_Eric comes back into the living room with a knife in hand. It isn't the first time he's come in with one ranting about killing someone -the first was his mother- he just has some issues. I watch as he walks to the door muttering under his breath. No one else would know what he was talking about it was our language. It was then I realized he really wanted to go ask that boys parents if he could kill their son. My eyes widened as he reached for the doorknob above his head. _

_"Eric no! Stop it Eric!" my childish voice making me sound like a sissy girl._

_I jumped to him grabbing his leg. He dropped the knife on the other side of his body and turned to me. I was afraid to look at him. I knew the difference by now and I didn't want to see Cartman come out. So I just clung to his leg praying that he would be Eric again and be okay. I looked up hoping he had looked away but he was staring right at me. In his eyes I could see the personality change just like so many times before. He was Cartman right now, and I needed Eric back._

_"Cartman please!" I couldn't pronounce his last name right but he knew I was doing my best. "You would only get a timeout. Mommy-Cartman doesn't like it when you act this way, pal. Remember she grounded you last time. All you did was hit the cat then, this is way way bigger. Just think it through, sit and we'll talk it through."_

_I had done this about two times already for him. I would stop Cartman from taking over and sit him down till he was Eric again. This time however I could see Cartman getting stronger. Eric needed to come back or I'd be in trouble. Cartman was evil and we both knew it. Eric had cried so much last time once he came back to his right mind. I just sat there with him then. This time I can see that Eric won't be back unless something bad happens. Eric always comes back after something bad happens because Cartman is scared of being in trouble._

_"Make me McCormick. I'll do what I want." His toddler-like voice took away from the evil effect but it got through clear._

_I tightened my grip on Eric's leg. Cartman knew I wasn't going to let go anytime soon. Cartman just gave an evil smile; one no one would think a child could produce. Then he kicked me so I had to let go and picked up the knife once again. I waited for him to go out the door. I wouldn't stop him this time, I wouldn't help the Jew. Instead I watched as he brought the knife on himself. He made a cut on his arm just above the elbow. Cartman heard me scream for Mommy-Cartman and I could tell by his eyes that Eric was back._

_Now it wasn't my first time seeing blood. My family was pretty screwed up and we had lots of 'accidents' as mother called them. My older siblings were always doing something to put their life in danger until they ran away. So I -at my age- had seen and heard what most adults never want to experience in their life. I knew what Cartman had done, I knew what it was called too. It could kill Eric if we don't get him help. Maybe he'd say hi to Kenneth the First for me. He could even say they died the same way. I stared at Eric as he started to cry and fall to the floor. I watched the blood pour from his arm as I cried for Mommy-Cartman some more. I got to my knees and hugged his body tightly. _

_"Promise you'll always come back." We had taken this game way too far, pretend was supposed to stay pretend. "Eric you can't switch anymore if you do this. Promise me this won't happen again."_

_"I'll always come back buddy."_

_I cried some as I pulled away to see his eyes starting to close. I called for his mom and she came this time. She fell to the floor at the sight of he son. She didn't take him to the hospital though. She cleaned the wound and got him wrapped up. After the bleeding stopped she re-bandaged it and sat us in a room together._

_"Eric honey, why don't we keep this a secret?" she said it like my mother as if it were a fun game._

_I remember Eric agreeing and I nodded silently. The two of us sat there doing nothing the rest of the day. I don't think we even moved. The only sound was of our breathing. Eric looked at me a lot that day. I wanted help but I didn't know what to do._

_"Let's stop that game Eric. From now on just be Eric. Don't play Cartman anymore." I was as serious as a four year old could be._

_He didn't say anything. He turned back on the TV and watched a show about people with a lot of kids. I didn't feel like watching. So I turned on the couch and looked out the window towards the Jews house. From that moment on I hated that neighbor. He was a Jew and that made Cartman mad, and that hurt Eric. I promised myself that I would never like him, or anything to do with him._

"Kenny!" Cartman yelled.

"Oh shit, dude, what?" I had dropped my cig from the shock of being brought out of my trance.

He looked at me like I had killed or something. Thinking back to that day made me look at his arm, the left arm. His shirt today had sleeve short enough to see the scar. Most people probably don't even realize it's there. For a while Eric had stayed in his house till it healed up well. Then his mother told him to cover it with something before leaving the house, so he got an armband. The same Nazi armband he wore when he tried to become the next Hitler.

He was so little most people just looked away at it. Then he met Kyle's mom and she flipped out. Mrs. Cartman forced him to hide it in his closet and not take it out. I knew he would wear it randomly though. He wasn't fully balanced and it made him feel more whole. I used to just tail around and people gave me the same looks.

Eric never changed. It took me a long time to realize it. Cartman was his true self. Eric was just the good in him that he needed. If he didn't have any good he'd be soulless. Somehow that good came out around me and we had made a game out of it. Now I guess he can be good when he wants to be, but he doesn't want to be good. He only does it for me because he knows how scared I was when he let his bad take over for the first time.

"You said you'd come to lunch and now it's half over. You're out here smoking while I'm in there worrying about if you came out here to fake your death or something to freak Jew boy out. Now get your ass in there and eat some shit before I force something gross down your throat."

I followed him inside. We both knew I wouldn't eat though. Eating after I smoke always makes me sick. So I sit down and have some of Eric's soda. Kyle is sitting across from me and Stan is by him. Wendy isn't with them today and I'm shocked. I guess after two years of skipping lunch a lot changes, not the food though.

Eric is looking at me with those freaking all knowing eyes again. He wanted to know what was going on in my dumb blonde head. I didn't think now was the time to say anything. His eyes opened wider and he said something under his breath. God it was our language! I had almost forgotten it. I thought and figured out how to word it correctly then told him what I was thinking about in a way no one else would understand.

"You said you'd always come back, after you almost killed yourself when we were little. So how come you're still like this?"

"I do come back to you. Anytime we hang out. Or over the summer, times like now!" he was getting upset.

I gave a small smile. He didn't understand. I can still remember a time when he was always good and sweet, before we really talked to anyone else. Goddamn it he was adding to my insanity. He didn't even realize it either.

"Eric I just want things to be okay again."

"Fuck you McCormick!" he screamed it loud and for the whole café to hear.

I stood up after he yelled. Damn him, all I ever wanted was a chance to be real friends and he has to screw that up. I looked over at Kyle and Stan. They were both pretty confused. They had no clue what we had been talking about or what upset him. I'm sure they didn't care.

I had only wanted this year to be different. I wanted one year where my friends were good and my life was in my control. I had hoped that this would be the time that I got to. I should have known better than to set my sights high. When I want nothing from life I get a lot. It's times like these; when I want something, that I don't get anything. This year I have already lost my drive to do well and my sanity. God why did I live through it, why did he save me last year?

Maybe Eric just needs some help too. Maybe he knows I need his help and that's why he's pulling away. You can't fix someone if you're broken. That's it, I've decided right now that I won't be so dependant. I will live on my own. I don't need Eric anymore…

"Where do you guys think he went?" I ask Stan and Kyle moments later.

I walk to the bathroom where Kyle and Stan said he would be crying his pussy eyes out. They were right about him being there but I don't see one tear. I didn't expect to see any tears either. This was Eric Cartman I was talking about, he didn't cry. I was the one that cried and he held me up.

"Eric I didn't mean anything by what I said. I just am having a hard time adjusting to school Eric. I'm so used to your summer personality it's hard on me. I'm fine really."

I can see in his eyes that he doesn't believe me. Why should he though. There isn't a real reason for him to believe a word out of my mouth. He knows that I've grown up telling lies and keeping secrets. It's all my family has ever done. When a kid disappears they have another baby and count to seven, the lucky number. People don't suspect as long as ma has seven kids. Eric's the only one that knows the truth about my family but he doesn't know it all.

Eric puts one hand on each side of the sink and lowers his head. I close my eyes and listen to his breathing. He takes four deep breaths in and out. His large hand encloses around the faucet and he turns the cold water on. His hand cup together below the water scooping up a handful of the ice water. I watch as Eric throws the water on his face and rubs his eyes. He turns and lets me see his face, wet and red.

"Sometimes you really buy that lie don't you? This is why school is tough on us Kenny! You make yourself believe that you are fine. Then I end up having to save you from being rap- from being hurt and you don't even seem to care the next day. Kenny I know you want me to be all nice and happy around everyone but I can't. I put on that mask for you because believe it or not you need it. You're my best friend Kenny, no one knows that but I'm telling you, and I don't wan you getting hurt again. Idiots like Kyle and Stan will think you're cutting or they will suspect the truth and shit will go down. Please grow up just enough to realize how deep in shit you are!"

Eric was mad. I didn't need him telling me how mad he was. All you need is one glance at his face and you know when he is pissed. I have never understood why I make him so angry and can still manage to bring out his good. I don't care if he says it's a mask I still know that everything else is a mask. I get to see the real him.

I take a step back out of habit. Eric would never hurt me but habits are habits. His eyes soften and he grabs my arm and pulls me near. I allow him to hug me for only a moment. I would like nothing more then to continue on with the sweet gushy stuff but it's the school year and I have to understand that.

"Cartman you fag get off me!"

"There you go Kenny. You are starting to understand. Now I was serious about your pants, I'll see you after school. Don't skip class and no more smoking for today."

He didn't need to say that last part. We both knew I could only handle one a day. If I had anymore I would really be sick. I only had one because it helps my nerves and anger and sadness die down. After that it would just be another smoke that I don't need. So I have one and skip the meals for the rest of the night. Call it another habit.

I hand Eric his books, which he had left on the lunch table in his hurry to get out. I think he just wanted me to follow. I don't know why but I think deep down he knows I needed this talk. I watch his hands wrap around the books and bring them to his chest. His movements were so perfect. Damn it I am doing it again. Those were summer thoughts. Now all I care about is sex! That's the school Kenny, I have to just look at a lot of porn and sleep with Bebe once. That's me; this is what I've become.

"I'll be at your car right after the bell. Wait a few minutes so I can grab my shit and we can walk to your car together. I'll go to your locker. I'll see you in three hours."

My next hour seemed like a total waste of time. My teacher just repeated the school rules and classroom rules over to us. We had heard them about ten times already. I had hoped that one teacher would just be quiet, tell us there wouldn't be a shit load of work and let us have an easy pass class. This bitch wasn't the dream teacher I was hoping for.

She was horrible. Not only was she hard on all of us but she was stupid too. I can't believe how she couldn't pronounce my name right. Not my last name my first name. At the beginning of the hour she called for Can-knee McCormick. How stupid do you have to be to not know the name Kenny? I said here all the same and I didn't bother correcting her. I just raised my head a little then put it back on the desk.

I have to laugh at myself a little. I had been looking forward to my senior year. I acted like something great might happen. I can't believe I had really thought this would be the year I start trying. I was a good for nothing, poor piece of white trash. That's all I can ever amount to. My friends tease me about it all the time, my best friend doesn't want to be seen with me during the school year, and my parents are like rabbits. How can you have a normal childhood with just those few problems?

When I was little, really little probably around three. I would try to jump to the moon. I thought if I swung high enough on the trailer park swing set, and stuck my legs out so my feet were sitting on the moon that I would land on the moon. I must have tried to jump about ten times. I think that's when my father turned me into his own punching bag. Not tat I can blame him. I was a little kid who was costing him money. All that money could have gone towards more beer. I guess I just wasn't worth the beer. My father told me that if I tried that stunt again he'd break my legs for sure.

I guess that's when all my issues started. I got fascinated with drinking because he started drinking more. My older siblings were cussing more than they had before so I became a potty-mouth child. I found some of dad's old porn magazines and those kept me entertained for years. After a while though it wasn't enough. Nothing was enough anymore. I wanted more out of life. At three years old I knew that my family was horrible and that terrible things would happen to me. I knew way back then that I had to get out.

My oldest brother, Kenneth the first, was born fifteen years before me. My mom was only fourteen when she had him, his dad was eighteen and he ran for the hills. So mom tried to make a life for us kids she married a man, even though they were never faithful to each other, so that we would have a father figure. Kenneth couldn't stand it though. He knew that he would never know his father and he was sick of how dad was treating him. Dad did the same stuff to Kenneth that he does to me. One day when Kenneth was about sixteen he decided to leave. Unlike some of my other siblings who had already started running away he wanted a permanent way out. He slit his wrist one day after my second birthday. Blood covered our bedroom floor and I was standing in my crib watching him. People say stuff like that doesn't effect such little kids but it does.

Ever since I could run I tried leaving. But I guess my friends kept me here. Eric especially. I know that without me here Eric may let his evil side take over way too much. If Cartman took control then he could take over anything. So I stayed and gave Eric a piece of childhood every time he saw me. I was his reminder of when he was a pure good child. So now we have to sit and watch our lives fall apart because we can't remember our own stories anymore.

No one broke me from my spell this time. I sat the whole hour through just staring at the girl in front of me. I didn't realize I was staring though. She had the funniest look on her face. She seemed to like the attention but she still wanted me to go away. I packed up my things and left the room. It was hard to believe I had spent a whole hour thinking about my dead brother. I usually changed subjects when it came to him. Although I guess I did think about Eric some too near the end of the hour.

I made my way through the halls by pure instinct. I couldn't stand being in school. I never had been able to understand what people found so interesting about the socialness of the hallways, socialness -is that even a word? God Kenny stop being ADD. Adults were always blaming stuff on how kids talked in the hallways. But I don't see what is so great about the halls. Everyone is crowed into one tiny space and it just doesn't seem that great to me. Then again I was always the person behind. I had never been the one to come out and talk. Maybe you have to be social to find the halls fun.

I guess I really was spacing out. I just turned a corner and walked into the girls bathroom! Where's the fucking teachers that should be there to tell me to stop! I could have been saved some embarrassment if the adults around this town cared at all. I may have lived here all my life but I just know that somewhere there is a place where people act their age. Adults are mature and kids are just kids with no worries. But god damn it now I want to find that place. Maybe Eric will take me one day.

I was back at my locker with just enough time to spare. I didn't really need anything at all for my next class so I just threw my bag in the locker and closed it. I pushed the door till I heard the small click that told me it was locked. I looked at the spot next to me. Some girl was lip locking with some really geeky looking guy. On the other side was a preppy girl who was applying way too much makeup.

I sighed out a breath that I didn't know I was holding in. I guess I was just thinking about how they got to show their emotions. I had to hide everything. No one would believe that Kenny McCormick was scared and tired of trying. People like Stan and Kyle would just say I was being a pussy and tell me to get over it. I know that I'm not being over dramatic though. I just need some time. I have to tell myself that all the time though, I will be okay after a while.

I take my time getting to the library. I have study hall now so it doesn't really matter when I get there. The teachers don't care if you're on time. Even if they do care you can say that you were in the isles looking at books. All though if anyone believes that I'm reading real books I'd have to laugh. All I can 'read' is smut magazines, my father made sure of that. Nevertheless the librarian doesn't question the excuse as I walk from the back doors and take a seat by my self.

No one else I know has study hall. There are a few other kids in my grade but I don't know who they are. Maybe they transferred and that's why I don't recognize them, more likely they just grew up and started ignoring me and now I can't remember them. I guess I'm the dumb one of all my friends. It's not that I'm really dumb either. I just never have time to do my work. I have school itself, then about twenty minutes to do everything for school, then dinner, and then it depends on what happened that day sometimes I get cleaned up and go to bed and sometimes there's a punishment given before I can clean myself up. With all of my family stuff I never really put homework as a good priority, and now my GPA is as low as it can be without me flunking. Kyle and Stan have tried to help me sometimes, but I can never seem to get along with them long enough to learn anything. So I got stuck in study hall the time to catch up on your work, yeah right!

Have you ever stopped to look into the future? Like thinking about your current life then suddenly start picturing how bad it'll be when you're older? I've been picturing my future a lot over the last few months. I can see me and someone I love being together. I can't see any kids and I never see anything good. It always seems like I'm still white trash. That's all I'm destined to be I guess. I'll marry someone young like dad did, start drinking, but never have kids. No I refuse to have kids it would be too hard to look at innocent faces and tell them why they can never see grandpa or why daddy hates parents.

Maybe I'll just be alone the rest of my life. I guess I can have a random fuck or two. If I didn't then I might implode. But other than that no real relationship. Just my car and I. Eric could come along too if he wanted to. I always thought I'd end up traveling the world with Eric. I figured he would be making a lot of money for special deals and I would be mooching. I wouldn't do that though. I could never expect him to carry me on his back for his whole life. He's done enough as it is.

God when you are watching a clock it seems to go a lot slower. That small red hand that is always moving seems to come to an almost complete stop. Oh how I wish I could just yell at it. Go faster, I would yell. I can't yell at the clock though because then people might think I was crazy. That small hand doesn't want to move at all either. The stubborn fucker needs to move. Go little hand point to the big eight for me! Still it just sits in it's spot.

At least I only have one more hour! It's not even like I have to go home afterwards either. I can go and hang with Eric for a while. Shopping seems like years away. I don't even know if I'll be able to make it through this hour. Why anyone would put a bunch of stupid kids in a library I'll never know. All that's going to happen is: uproar. The poor trash will take a stand for themselves, myself. That might not be so bad. In all truth it could be really healthy to fight against something.

Oh what a miracle that small hand is on the seven. Only five more minutes and then I'm done for good. Well not really. I should go to my last hour before the day is over with. I don't even know where Applied Metals is. I didn't sign up for that class. Father signed me up for many classes like that. I managed to get into regular classes for all four main classes. It's just my electives I can't stand. I shouldn't matter though. I'm not going to A.M. today. I think I'll go by the pond instead. That's far away though. I need to be back in time for shopping. I'll go hide in the bathroom and see how long that will last.

Once the bell rings I am out of that room. All those books will haunt me. I should have learned to read better than I can. If I could read well maybe I'd just be poor not white trash. While I'm in the halls I look for Eric. I can't see him anywhere though. I guess the bathroom is the best bet. So I make my way to the man's restroom. I'd push that boy into the river if I could spare a net. Maybe the last hour won't be so bad after all. I'll just lye here until it' Two Thirty. Soon I'll be getting clothes, and who knows maybe things will start to fly without explanation. Or maybe I was wrong and this will be a very long trip.

**AN.** I hope you all liked my newest chapter of Sick Love. I have it planned out so that there will be Twenty One chapters to this story. I am really looking forward to writing more. Just something I want to say: I know Kenny only has one brother and one sister but for my story he has more siblings and his parents are much older than they really are. I also know that the thing with Eric may be confusing, what it was: the boys played a game when they were little and Eric got way carried away. They both convinced themselves that it was because he has an evil side, this will come more into play in the story so please bere with me. Please leave me reviews letting me know how I'm doing so far! Also remember I don't own South Park all I own is this plot, which hasn't developed yet so just wait there wil be much more!


	4. Shopping

Shopping Trip

The final bell rang for the day. Oh my heart soared when I heard the annoying piercing sound that gives everyone headaches. I had made it through my first day. I was alive, I had done some work, and I went to over eighty percent of my classes. That had to have been an all time high for my first days.

I came out of the boy's bathroom trying to make it seem like I had come from a class so teachers wouldn't suspect anything. Then I turned and went towards the senior hall. Eric's locker is one of the first and one of the nicest. I'm pretty sure his mom had sex with some high people to score him that locker. He isn't there yet so I just lean against the locker next to his.

"Kenny…" a girl, god what is her name, says. "You're leaning against my locker."

"That's too bad for you isn't it. I don't feel like moving and I'll be here till Cartman decides to hurry his fat ass up. So you might be here for a while."

I watch the girl as she turns for the comfort of one of her friends. She looks back at me with a look of death. Then Bebe comes walking towards me. If there was anything I wanted less while I was waiting I would have been amazed. At that certain moment I didn't want to be near Bebe at all.

"Hey Ken baby. Kate tells me that you won't move from her locker. Something about waiting for the fat ass."

"Bebe you shouldn't call him that. Only friends can call him that and strangers when it's being made perfectly clear that they are joking. Cartman grew up, he's got a hell of a lot more muscle on him and he got taller. Clyde is fatter than Cartman now. So why don't you run back to your little friends and tell them that the whore told you off."

As Bebe leaves Eric comes to his locker. He didn't say anything to her so I guess he didn't notice. He didn't even acknowledge me for about forty seconds. I don't judge him for it though. Eric has his own special way of doing things. One day he'll figure it all out, and if he doesn't the rest of us are doomed. Finally he turns his head and gives me an odd look; it's one I can't figure out.

"Well you poor shit are we going or are you going to stand there all day?"

I thought for a moment about snapping back at him. I was waiting on him! I had been sitting in a bathroom for an hour with all my stuff and I had been waiting on him to get to his locker in the first place. The words were on the tip of my tongue but I couldn't say them. Eric has his temper and I don't want to get him upset.

He's stare tells me I've waited too long to speak. If I say anything now it will just be wasting his time so I nod in the direction of the doors. He follows me for only a moment. Then he manages to worm his way in front. Now I follow him down the senior hall to the exit doors.

The parking lot at South Park High is large. I always marvel at the land they wasted, the grass that died, to put the parking lot. I think the school was smaller than the parking space. Hell my whole trailer community could fit on the parking lot with plenty of space between the homes. I guess it's just another thing South Park's confused about. They wanted to make parking easy for everyone and forgot about the classrooms and hall space. If they hadn't used so much space the school would be a much better size.

All the kids are slowly filing out of the school doors. The younger kids -the ones who can't drive or don't have rides- are long gone. The bus riders are dismissed before everyone else is. So we sit in class while half the school gets to go home. It's all right though because that means we have the school to ourselves until we feel like leaving. The kids that are going home now either have plans or are the nerds who want to get all their homework done soon or maybe they are like me -on a normal day- and have to be home because the family demands it for no reason.

I watch as all the kids go to the cars. Even if I had a car I couldn't drive it. Dad didn't want to pay the four dollars to get my permit and he doesn't want to pay now. No one really has a good car. Well Token does but his parent are rich; he deserves better than this hick town. Everyone else has a beaten down small truck, or a pussy girl car. I guess around here you don't have to try and impress people by showing off cool wheels. Except for Cartman, he drives his mom's stolen hummer. It may be beaten down but it's nice he's got the second best car in school, even if it has a record.

I hate walking to Cartman's car after school. He never says anything. Plus the walk is terrible. He has the worst parking spot imaginable. The principal is a woman so she couldn't be sexed off -ha good one Kenny a play on bought off, shit seriously I hate ADD- by Eric's mom. She was sick of all the trouble Eric caused as a freshman so she is punishing him as a senior. Cartman doesn't mind the walk. He's gotten into all the physical health stuff, I however am not that healthy -that's what smoking does to you. Even though I look small I can't walk distances, even small ones, for anything. So I have to drag myself all the way everyday. What's sad is I had almost forgot where he parked last year, now I remember!

Eric pressed the unlock button on his key chain. I stood still for a moment watching -in what seemed like slow motion- him open the door and slide into his seat. I guess he noticed me quickly this time because he flashed me a confused look. I opened my door and tried to look graceful as I sat down. I probably looked like I was trying to impress someone, which probably confused him. I don't fully understand it myself.

I tugged on the seat belt. I had a few options when it came to the seat belt. I could A. not wear it at all. B. wear it but not use the shoulder strap. Or C. just wear the damned thing. I hate deciding which to do. If I'm with my family I always wear it because they complain if I don't. With Kyle or Stan even in the car I just wear the lap belt. With Eric it's different. He'll yell if I don't but he teases if I do. I look over at him, he isn't wearing his. So I let go from my tight hold and just turn to look out the window.

"Damn it Kenny put your seat belt on." How can he be such a hypocrite?

"You don't have yours on Eric so why should I wear mine? What do you not care about your own life but you care about mine, is that it? What a load of shit! You just don't want me to yell if we get in an accident and I get hurt. Well fuck that I'm not wearing it." I don't sound mad, because I'm not I just want to prove I don't have to follow him.

"Kenny you know it's nothing like that. I just… come on I'll put mine on too." I watch as he pulls at his seat belt then clicks it in place.

I try to look stubborn. I want to prove I don't need him to live. But it doesn't work. Within a short minute I am tugging at the seat belt freeing it from the small compartment it hides in. I raise one arm and shove the other through the gap between the belt. It doesn't take much for me to click the belt into place.

The moment I'm buckled in the car takes off. Even after riding with Eric for a year and a summer I'm still amazed by his driving. He is so terrible at driving. Terrible in the sense that he goes too fast and doesn't follow any laws. He peels out of the parking lot and already has me holding onto the side of the door. I know I don't need to cling on for dear life, Eric has never been in an accident and never will be I'm sure.

Eric isn't looking at me. The first day is always the awkward ride home. He wants me to start living in school life mode. I guess he thinks if he talks too much too soon I will be stuck in the summer mood. I usually am the one to start conversations. Today I just can't think of much to say though. Our summer was mainly us sitting in silence so there wasn't anything to reminisce about.

"How was your first day?"

Wow that was lame of me. I can imagine him laughing his ass off now. He stays quiet though. He's being nice about it. I know that it was a really stupid question only a dork would ask that type of a question. Then again the question was still lingering in the air. I guess I'm a dork.

"It wasn't the best. My best friend ditched me to go smoke."

Damn him! I can't believe he would start off an afternoon together like this. He knows that if he gets me mad it'll be hard for me to act happy. He's just trying to piss me off so I demand to be taken home. He doesn't want to go shopping for some poor piece of trash. That couldn't be it though, he gave me the money all ready. But if that wasn't it I can't think of what was.

"Eric I don't have to tell you about my day. You know that I had high hopes for this year. You also know they came crashing down quickly. I was just relieving stress the only way I know how. Would you rather me be all pissed off for the rest of the day? You know that I've been through enough shit. I didn't even want to go to school this year. You convinced me I'd be great, that it would be different. Well it was worse than ever!"

Eric didn't say anything. I'm not sure if he ever will. Not even Eric Cartman can handle some of my episodes. I just get too mad sometimes. I guess when you have a history of abuse anger just follows you. I can't help but look away from Eric now. I feel a little ashamed of yelling. I didn't have a good reason to. I want to apologize but he beats me to it.

"Ken I'm sorry. You know that I don't mean to get upset with you. I just don't want you risking your health for the sake of stress. Please I know there must be a lot of stuff going on but will you please try to stop?"

"I can't promise that and you know it. What type of trailer trash would I be if I didn't drink and smoke?" I say in a joking manner.

"The kind that gets to live."

He was being serious. His face had grown much colder in a matter of seconds. I could tell that he meant what he said. He thought I would wind up dead if I keep going down this path. Well maybe I'll just have to prove him wrong. Then again that's not very smart to risk my life to prove my best friend wrong.

I don't say anything as Eric turns the car. I close my eyes and let the swing of the car take me. I love riding with Eric I got to move so much better. His driving was like being somewhere else entirely. Like another world completely. I can't imagine driving without this sense of relief. The car turns into the parking lot of some store.

I fell dumb now because I have no clue where we are. I had been so happy with just driving I didn't pay any attention to where we were going. I needed to remember to pay closer attention to things. This is why it's so easy to take advantage of me. I don't even realize what's going on till it's too late. Eric swirls the car into a stop and backs up so he can straighten out. I look at the store as he perfects his parking, Target, better than Kmart.

_Eric laughed as I fell on the ground. I couldn't help but laugh either. Sure I hadn't seen my fall but I could tell it was pretty good. Even though he was laughing he came rushing to my side. I used a lot of effort to swing my head around to look up at him. He just fell to his knees and put his hand on my head._

_His fingers brushed my forehead and rubbed slightly causing me a little pain. He pulled his hand bank and even in the dark I could tell there was blood on him. I then take my own hand to my head. I can feel the sticky substance running down my nose now. Still I taste the substance off of my hand. I am sure it's blood then. This just causes us to laugh more._

_"Who knew Kmart could be so much fun."_

_I laughed. I had not said much since we started drinking. I didn't want to spill something I shouldn't. That's the bad thing about my drinking. I spill secrets I should, knowing full well I shouldn't, and become aware of it after mere seconds. I guess that's better than become abusive or crazy. It's still bad enough when it comes to me._

_I crawled across the hot asphalt. I'm head is probably dripping blood all over the place. I don't think it matters though. The police around here wouldn't do anything. They'd probably be proud that two twelve year olds got a hold of booze. That is just another reason I can't stand this place, it doesn't matter what happens the police don't care._

_My hands slide across the uneven ground. I want to find the cause of my bleeding. It had thrown it in this direction. Eric has stood behind me and is clumsily following me. Then I come across the small bashed in can. I smile thinking that my head caused so much damage to the thing that just gave me a cut. I wish I could do more to it. Instead I just start laughing and pull on Eric trying to stand. _

_"Dude I can't believe you really smashed that thing with your head." He stuttered out._

_"I told you I could."_

_I couldn't help but laugh. I didn't even have a reason for laughing. The booze had gotten to my head quicker than usual. My head was pounding. I couldn't think very clearly. My breathing was deep and not very often. I could feel beads of sweat forming on my head as the night humidity started to get to me._

_Eric and I stumbled along. We managed to get almost twenty feet from the curb when we heard a car coming. Eric of course made his way, as quickly as he could, to the nearest bush. He hid as I stood there confused, too confused to find a place to hide. So we watched as the truck passed by._

_The pick-up slowed down almost to a halt when it passed me. I swayed in place and tried to focus on who was inside. I recognized the man from somewhere. The button down shirt was covered in stains. The man, middle aged with dark hair, wore a hat. Oh I knew him from somewhere. I tried my best to place the dirty man when I heard him talk._

_"Good for nothing god damned son."_

_That's it. God he was my father. I almost couldn't believe that I couldn't place him. I should have known that stench anywhere. I know Cartman always jokes about me smelling bad because I'm poor, but dad really smells. Anytime he drinks, even if it's only one glass, he gets the stench of alcohol burned onto his skin. I should have been familiar with that smell, too familiar. _

_Father sped the car up. He almost ran me over in the process. I could see him drive away as fast as he could. I didn't know why. Maybe it was because he didn't want to face me being drunk too, no he would be pleased with that it would make things easier for him tonight. Maybe he didn't want to get caught near us if others saw. That was it, he was trying to save his own skin he didn't care about kin; blood didn't matter to him._

_Eric rolled, literally, out of the bush and crawled on hands and knees over to me. It was the only time he was ever on a lower plain than I was. He only had to tug on my leg a little for me to go crashing down. My legs interlaced with his and my arms had to grab onto his for support. Even when I was drink I knew I didn't want to hit my head on the concrete. He helped me get my legs free form his and sat me on my own._

_"Dude you almost got caught and you stood there." _

_He was laughing. I know he didn't find it very funny. Eric was a horrible drunk. I'm pretty sure this was his first time drinking excessively. I have become to used to it. He was a beginner, and I was the expert. It takes a lot of booze to get me as drunk as I am, and I am still thinking somewhat clearly. Eric however only had a few, less than five I believe, drinks and he was smashed. I could ask him his name and he would probably say Eratman or Caic. _

_Eric was so close to me. God it was so uncomfortable being that close. Yet there was a sense of safety having him near. Eric was my strong hold. He was the person that kept me living. I needed his friendship, just like he needed me to be human. I know that he is normal somewhere deep down and I just have to bring it out. Sometimes though I try to help make him evil so that he'll always need me, and I know I'll always need to be there to bring out the good in him._

_Eric's hazed eyes were on my own. His chocolate brown meeting my ocean blue. Then they got closer. At first I thought it was a trick of the mind. Merely a drunken daydream. However when I blinked and reopened my eyes he was even closer than before. I couldn't help but be nervous as to what he was doing. Even though he was drunk I was sure he had the sense to stay back some._

_But then, as if to prove me wrong, his lips touched mine. It was very graceful he kind of knocked me over. Eric hadn't taken into account that I wasn't expecting it and he used to much force. It didn't help that we were both drunk. He kept trying to kiss me more but I just sat there not moving. I think I pissed him off some because he wanted some action since he was drunk and there was no one else around. _

_I couldn't handle that though. I knew what was in store for me when I got home. I didn't want to be thinking about kissing my best friend, who is as straight as a pencil. I just couldn't handle those thoughts on top of the ones I would have once I was home. So I pulled back and broke off from him. I could see he was hurt. I didn't feel bad though he was so drunk he wouldn't remember it in the morning. It would just become a memory for me to hold onto, to be tortured by. That night I decided that I hated Kmart. _

As we enter the store I can't help but feel like a fag. Eric basically had to drag me in so his hand is still holding my upper arm. I'm not dragging behind anymore though and I'm not even struggling. He just hasn't let go since I said I would rather just give him his money back. I swear that the geeks who work there turn to look at us as we walk into the store. I hate feeling watched, it makes me want my hoodie back.

I've only been to Target once before and that was years ago. From what I can tell just by walking in everything is different now. I don't want Eric to think I've never been shopping before though so I don't tell him I have no clue where I'm going. I just stay a step behind him, not a large enough step for him to get suspicious but a big enough one for me to follow him easily. I turn when he turns and stay close enough so he knows I'm still there.

It takes me until we pass kitchen stuff to realize he isn't holding onto me anymore. He must have realized he was a while back and let go. I have to almost hit myself for not even realizing his hand was no longer on me. Maybe I've become to accustom to blocking out other people. I guess that has to be it, either that or I am seriously nuts today.

I like looking at everything we're passing by. It's odd that Eric doesn't even glance at anything. He must be here enough to know what everything is. I envy him sometimes envy all the things he gets to do. I would love to switch places with him for a day. I would never wish that on him though because then he'd be stuck with my father at night and have no clue how to deal with all the problems. I couldn't do that to my friend.

Eric starts to slow down in his pace. It's not enough to come to a complete stop but he's starting to look around at things. I look away from his back, which I've been staring at, and see that we're in gaming. I should have known we'd stop here for a little while. Eric can't get enough of game systems. I don't understand how he can manage to exercise, eat right, play sports, do homework, take care of his mother, cook, bathe, and still play so many video games.

To my surprise Eric doesn't pick anything up. He only slows as if to savor the moment. I don't know why he would want to do that it's just some stupid video games. I watch his eyes pass over all the games. They move up, down, and sideways. He takes in the titles and covers of all the games for his systems. Then he moves on. It was only a quick minute that we stood there and he moved on.

I continue on with Eric. He passes the men's department. For a moment I'm confused. I would have thought we'd stop and get pants. Then I see the guys spot. It's for teens, not men and not boys. God how stupid can I be? I don't need to follow Eric anymore now that we've gotten there. So I go off on my own.

There is a large rack with jeans hanging that are on sale for fifteen dollars. I go through holding the jeans up to my small frame. Eric is going through the jeans and picking up different sizes. I assumed he was getting for himself but then he threw the clothes at me. I stood there for a moment with another confused look on my face.

Eric grabbed the back of my shoulders and led me to a fitting room. With every step he quickened the pace. I was almost afraid to ask why he was in such a hurry. I hadn't asked to come out here, he could have left me alone. I didn't need to get new jeans. Even though I really did. He was saving me once again.

I went into the room. I hung each pair of jeans on a separate hook in the room. I turned to close the door before I started changing but Eric was in the way. I gave him a mean look and tried to shut the door on him. He just came in the room and let me fall back as I closed the door.

"Dude get out of here." It was the first thing we had said since we got into the store.

"No I'm buying you the jeans besides it'll go quicker if you don't have to come out there to show me. Geez you act like I've never seen your boxers before. May I remind you, you slept over at my house almost everyday last summer and you were usually in boxers."

I just stuck out my tongue. I couldn't think of anything to say. I was just a little freaked about changing in front of him. It's usually dark when I'm almost naked. He's never seen me in full daylight with my boxers. Besides I think it's normal to be a little creped out about your best friend wanting to see you change.

I tried on ten different jeans in about fifteen minutes. Eric had to be the one to say what was wrong with them. He told me if they were too long, short, dark, light, or just plain ugly. After those ten pairs we knew my size and had to go find good looking jeans that would fit. I told Eric he could pick the pants because he was buying them.

So Eric grabbed a pair of dark blue jeans. There was no fade to them and there were no holes. Eric said that was a dumb fad and I would wear them out quicker if they were distressed. I went to the register and paid sixteen forty five. The lady that was checking me out, selling me the jeans not being sexual, was slightly older. I could picture myself working at some place like this in years. I would be there person the teens didn't want to become. Yep I could see that happening. The chick, who's name was Claire Benson, looked about forty but if you looked closely you could tell she was early thirties. She must hate it being trash that has to look old and work at Target. I felt bad for her. She gave me my bag and I thanked her with a genuine smile.

Once we were in the car again Eric became more openly friendly. I guess we were in a public place. I hadn't thought of that. He doesn't like talking in public places. So I sit in the car turned towards my best friend and we talk about everything we can think of. It's so nice having him acting how he's supposed to act. I love when he's all nice and such. It's really great to see him being friendly even though it's only been a day.

"Eric if you could screw anyone in the whole school who would it be and why?"

The 'if and why' game was something we did all the time during the summer and on breaks. It was fun because I got to learn more about him that he kept hidden. It's how I found out that he had lost he virginity in freshman year to that Rebecca girl Kyle used to like. I also learned that his mother had caught some STD and was being forced to stay away from the town's men for a while. I felt bad for Eric because his mom found out only about a month ago and the men she slept with was really her only form of money. Eric had saved most of what she got but still I know he must be worried about if they'll become poor like me.

"Wendy. She's the most innocent girl in our school when it comes to sex and shit. She must be a virgin which means she'd be clean. Ken do you think it's bad that I'm obsessing over that now?"

"Hell no! Eric what happened was a really bad blow. It means you could lose your mom and it means no money. I just can't help but think that everything is going to be not so good for you. I would offer you some money from my paycheck but I got fired. Maybe we can get jobs together next summer before collage."

"Ken if you could live with one person your whole life who would it be and why?"

Eric was expecting me to say him. I knew he was. I normally would have said him too. I could see myself living with Eric forever always having someone there to be my crutch. But I know that at some point Eric can't be my crutch anymore and I can't be his. You have to face your problems head on. Plus it would be weird having company over when there's another guy my age living with me.

"My father."

Eric didn't give me a chance to explain. He screamed out in an angry voice. His face however wasn't angry. He looked shocked. I could tell I had scared him with my answer. I need to go on. If he'd just let me.

"I always know what to expect from him. He never surprises me. He'll never change and I know that. But I've learned how to control him, I know what to say and when to say it. I know what to do to keep my sanity and his happiness. With anyone else I get so confused at times that I can't even think."

I guess my answer was good enough because he didn't say anything else. We stopped the 'if and why' game after that. He kept his eyes on the rode, hands at two and ten. I wished I had lied for him. The rest of the ride was going to be awkward and I already knew it.

"So Ken are you really going to try and stop smoking?"

"I guess if it will make you happy. But you need to understand that I'm not perfect I'm going to slip up every once and a while and you have to accept that."

"Well if you have that attitude you are sure to slip up."

I laughed but I knew he meant what he said. Eric was a hard character to figure out. He wanted to be serious but funny. He was positive but negative. I always had to be on my toes around him. I guess he wanted me to realize I was putting myself down. But I knew that before I said it. Sometimes you just have to not get your hopes up for things. When it comes to smoking I know I'll slip so why deny it?

"Eric smoking is a part of my life. I'm fucking giving up a part of my life. It's going to take a while to get that right. I will slip up, you know it and I know it. Just accept that and move on."

When I said move on I meant the topic. He must have known because he started talking about my new baby sister. He was asking how she was and what was going on. I told him that I was the baby sitter after school and that's why I couldn't hang out anymore after today. He didn't seem as upset as I would have liked.

"Why do your parents keep having new kids just because some of their old ones go off to collage?"

Eric may be smart but I could lie to him at times. He still hasn't figured out that most of my siblings ran away. The only sibling who he knows about is Kenneth the First. That's because it was big news around town. Other than that all he knows is that some kids leave and a new one arrives.

Eric takes another turn and we're off the main road and on the small street of South Park. I look out the window again as we pass some of the stores. Eric likes to make it less obvious we're talking once we're in town. So I talk without moving my lips much. Plus I don't look over at him anymore. I just face forward.

"Ken I still wish you would just come stay at my house. After this summer…" he cuts off afraid of his own words.

"I told you I know what I'm doing. I can handle myself and I can surely handle a stupid drunk."

Eric just smiles and nods as he turns once again. I love the changes that South Park has. When you're on the main road it's like a woods. Then you turn into town and it's like a big city, just with smaller buildings. With a left turn you hit many small subdivisions. If you turned right you come across woods, Stark's Pond, and after driving enough you'd reach school. It's great because you can walk all over the place. The only places you wouldn't want to walk to would be Hell's Pass, which is out on the main road, and the school, which is about ten miles down the road.

Eric turns left and drives past all the neighborhood streets. We keep driving after we hit the tracks too. I'm surprised he usually drops me off there. I just look at him and smile as a thank you.

"I just figure you have to take care of your sister so I should get you home sooner."

I still think it's nice. Even if he isn't doing it for me. I grab my bag of things, which now has some school stuff and jeans in it. Eric slows the car in front of my trailer. If there was a driveway I'm sure he'd pull in. I open the door to his car and almost fall out, having forgot it was high off the ground.

"I'll see you tomorrow Ken. Please remember to be Kenny at school. I don't want to have to ignore you again."

Fuck him! He was being so nice. Why the hell would he go and ruin it by reminding me it can't be like this all the time. I'm Kenny at school, not Ken or Kenneth. I don't want to yell though so I nod. I have to put up with his mood swings so I should be nice while doing it.

I shut the door and watched as Eric pulled a U turn in my dead lawn. He left tire tracks, which I'll be punished for later. I don't mind though because if he didn't turn around in our yard it would have been someone else's. I nearly drag my bag on the dirt ground we call a lawn and I walk up to the house. I take one look around the outside world. Goodbye for now my dear freedom, please come back tomorrow…

I open the door. Fear strikes over me when I realize how late it is. Mother will be upset that I missed my shift for baby duty. I close the door behind me as I enter leaving any of my freedom, will power, or dignity on the doorstep outside. It's going to be just another shity night at the McCormick household.

AN: Okay once again I don't own South Park even though I would love too. If you haven't been able to tell this story is a lot about Kenny's past and his present life. There will be a lot of flashbacks some of which -kind of like this chapters- aren't super important and other's that are the stories crutch. If you have any questions please ask them now I will reply to all reviews for this story. I am trying to make Kenny seem like the hopeful one whose hopes are always crushed. He is the kind of person that just wants to hang on to someone -Eric for example- no matter how horrible they can be just because they are predictable. Kenny always can know what Eric is going to do, and that is really important later on. This is the longest chapter so far, who knew I could write so much about a store!


	5. Normal Dinners

Normal Dinners

The first thing I heard when I shut the door was my mother. Her voice echoed through the house. I could tell she was pissed by the way she was talking. Not the fact that her voice was loud but by what she was saying. Mother was the quiet one. She stood by and watched everything happen and would cry and cry but never do anything. She loved dad too much to stand up for herself anymore. She was like a mouse, but when she wanted she was the lion.

"Kenneth Stuart McCormick," I cringed at my middle name. "Why the hell are you home so late. I should send you to your fucking room with nothing to eat. You had better be damn happy that your bum father is off getting drunk again." Why the fuck would that make me happy? "Get your good for nothing ass to your room and you stay there till we have this figured out. I don't care if you are fucking starving to death you keep your ass on that seat. Don't start your whining either you little fag I am sick of your pussy like behavior. Be a man and take your punishment."

I hated when mom was like this. I hate that she calls me a fag and a pussy. Not because I don't think it's nice, it's just a low blow. Plus I wasn't whining, she just was so used to the little kids by now that she thought I would be by then. I can't believe her sometimes. But I know she won't be like this when dad gets home, no he'll be giving the punishment then…

I don't say anything though. Going up against her right now wouldn't be smart of me. When mom is alone she is a devil woman. I have learned that mom can be just as mean as dad just in a different way. So I follow her order and head for my room. I don't have to move very far to get there though. We have a four-bedroom trailer, one room for mom and dad, one for me, one for the little boys, and one for the little girls. All the rooms are about ten steps from the front door.

Once I got to my room I shut the door behind me. I wanted to lock the door but my father took the lock off after Kenneth died. So I push my chair up against the door in hopes that dad will be too drunk to push past the door. I throw my book bag on the floor near the closet. There are only two closets in the whole house, mine connects with the little boys rooms. Mom and Dad have the misfortune of being with the girls. I look around my room in disappointment.

There is a small beaten down desk with a chair missing a leg, which has been replaced with a stack of porn. My bed is a twin size bed but all I have on it is one small pillow and two sheets, one to sleep on top of and one to sleep under. I have a small window that I couldn't even get out of if I wanted to. I don't have any light at the moment though. My bulb burned out two nights ago and I covered my window with fabric years ago. So I go to my desk and light the small candle. My small room lights up like a Christmas tree.

Maybe I should do my homework. I don't have that much but it's enough. Then again I should probably get sleep before dad gets home. I can't know how drunk he's going to be. If he's really bad I might not get that much sleep tonight. I suddenly feel very guilty for going shopping. It would have been easier if I just came home. I should have said no to Eric. I know better than to blow off duties at home. Why did I think today would be different? For some reason I put the stupid notion in my head that it was the first day of senior year so it would all be okay.

So now I'm stuck in my room praying to God that my father dies on the way home. God won't answer that prayer though because he never has before. Man I can remember times when I was so specific about how I wanted dad killed. But no matter what happened that night I was always glad he didn't die the next morning. Like it or not my dad is the only source of money for our family of nine.

Back when mom was tougher things were better off for me. God those times of watching mom and dad fight were the best ever. Kevin and I would be entertained for hours. After Kevin ran off mom got worse and worse. She almost killed dad on my sixth birthday. She blamed dad saying he drove the thirteen year old away. So I sat there and watched her beat dad up Karen watched with me but it wasn't the same.

Mom used to be the strong hold of the family. She was the one that was really sane. She'd do anything to help any of her children out. I wish she were still like that. Mom would always tell us stories about her middle class parents. She had been such an important girl in her city that she could have gone on to be really rich. Her parents kicked her out when she got pregnant with Kenneth the First though. She was only fifteen and dad was twenty at the time. She stayed by him though. Through all his drinking and abuse she would stand there and still love him.

Sure she'd beat on him but it was in a somewhat loving way. I remember mom telling how she had Kenneth, Keith, Ken, Kali, Katherine, Kale, and Klaus by the time she was twenty-six. She was devastated when Kenneth killed himself. So she demanded another child. She was very forceful and dad gave in. Soon Keith and Ken ran off with some twins to get married and mom didn't hear back from them. Kali and Katherine both ran away after mom got in a really violent fight with dad. Kale ran away when he was fourteen just because he thought the kids of the house were supposed to leave. Klaus died in an accident when dad was too drunk. Mom never forgave dad for that. Well mom just had more kids so she could replace all of her missing ones which today has left her with me, Karen, Kane, Katie, Kipper, and now she has baby Kim. She has been begging dad for another baby and I know they've tried a few times, trust me the walls are thin… Anyway I think mom was going to the doctor today so I guess we'll hear news at dinner.

I wish mom had stayed herself. She would have been okay if Kevin didn't run away. He made such a big deal out of it. I was pretty young but I still remember him going off on mom for all his troubles. I didn't understand a lot of what he was talking about but he made it sound bad. He stormed out of the house and mom broke into tears. She cried for hours and finally just sat in a chair. She stared into the nothingness of our home and muttered 'Ka ka ka Ka' over and over again. I wonder what happened to that strong woman…

_"How could you Stuart!" mom yelled at dad the night that Kevin left._

_I heard a crash and knew that it was dad hitting the floor. I cringed and looked around the room that I had shared with Kevin. Oh it still held his memories and scent. I would have to keep mom out of here for a while. Another crash and a manly whimper told me mom was taking out her frustration on father very badly._

_"_ _God damn it you bitch I'm going to have a black eye now. You had better hope that things get easier around here. I'll show you what…"_

_I didn't listen anymore I drowned out the noises. I sing a little song to myself. With my eyes closed as tightly as I could close them I tried to block out all the sounds. Tears were flowing from my eyes. I didn't want any more fighting. At least not tonight, I wanted one good nights rest. I didn't want to be afraid._

_"Carol I told you that fucker would screw us over. I told you to stop having kids didn't I! You just said you'd get it right one day. Well look at all those kids, where are they now huh? Dead or ran off that's what happened. You babied Kevin and he couldn't take the punishments for his idiocies. You told him it would all be okay. Well he aint my kin so why should I care? He should have learned to deal with being a bastard. Now there's only one kid here that has to deal with that."_

_"No! Don't you dare! He's so little. You leave your belt in this room you dick! Don't you dare even think about taking your anger at me out on Kenneth. It's not his fault, and it's not his fault that Kevin wanted to find Greg."_

_I couldn't block out the scream that came after that name. Mother was so loud. There was a crash and many small crashes as if more was braking. I wanted to go and see if she was okay. I stood up slowly and tried my hardest to walk in a straight line. I made it out of my room and walked towards mom and dad's room. When I opened the door I was greeted by blood and glass. _

_Daddy has thrown mom into a mirror. I rushed to her side and checked her head. There was a little blood but nothing terrible. It was mainly her arms that had gotten cut up. I looked up to dad with hurt in my eyes._

_"Why daddy?" I shouted pretending that I was brave._

_He just shoved me onto the ground. The glass that was shattered cut my face and body. I started to whimper upset from the pain. Dad walked towards me. I thought he would take me in his arms and hug me, after all daddy had never hurt me before, not physically at least. He'd beg me to forgive him for the wounds, but he didn't. Dad grabbed me by neck. He lifted me off the floor. My hands flung and beat around his arms. I wanted to try to get him to drop me. I was having trouble breathing. I was more concerned about mom though, who still lay motionless._

_"Damn you and your bastard brother. If you want live here you had better learn to listen. You take after your brother and you'll die! Do understand me boy? You had better learn to behave. Goddamn it your mother's gone and fainted! Tell your mother that she's cooking tonight so she'd better get going."_

_Dad dropped me to the ground and left the house. I scrambled to mother's side and lifted her off the ground. I dragged her to my room. I placed her on the bed and went to get a wet cloth to wash the blood away. I spent an hour trying to wake mom up. When she did wake she just started freaking out about dinner._

_"Mommy, what's a bastard?"_

_"A child without a father." Sorrow filled her voice._

_"Kevin doesn't have a daddy? But then what is daddy? Why did daddy hurt me? Mommy what's going on?"_

_Mom's eyes grew wide. She dropped to her knees and looked at my neck, which was bruised. She pulled me into a hug. She was sobbing on my shirt. I tried to pull away but she held onto me tightly._

_"Kenneth, I love you. Remember that always all right? You have to do what daddy asks from now on. We have to really good. Mommy made a few mistakes many years ago and she got you and Kevin out of it. Well that made Daddy very angry and he's been taking it out on Kevin and on me. Well with Kevin gone he's going to be turning to you. Just remember that no matter what he does we'll get you fixed up nicely. You'll look just perfect. Honey Kevin left to find a man named Greg; he's Kevin's and your real father. You are too young to understand but one day you'll understand."_

_Mommy released me. She went back to her cooking. I could hear her crying every once and a while. Karen and Kane came out from the bedroom and sat at the table. They were prepared for a regular night. I took my spot at the table waiting for whatever mommy had been talking about._

_We heard daddy's truck pull into the yard. Within ten minutes dad was sitting at the table with us. I could smell the liquor from the other side of the table. Dad said a prayer and we ate the small amount of food in front of us. I cleaned my plate, Karen didn't. I was supposed to tell her to finish up. That was my job, but she looked sick already so I let her leave the table with out saying a word._

_Later that night I heard my door open. I sat up in my bed afraid someone had broken into the house. I looked around in the dark but I couldn't see anything. I felt hands grab me by the arms and push me to the floor. _

_"Why didn't you tell Karen to finish her food huh you bastard?"_

_A foot came in contact with my small stomach. I felt helpless as daddy kicked and hit me over and over again. I felt blood run down my cheek. My face felt swollen. It was hard to blink. Tears were forming in my eyes but they were having trouble escaping my eyes. I felt like I was going to release my dinner all over the blood stained floor._

_"What the fuck is wrong with you boy? You too good for your job now? Well if you can't remember that one small chore then you go and get out now!"_

_Daddy pulled me back up onto my knees and bent down. I could tell his face was close. I could smell the booze stronger than ever. I was shaking very badly afraid of what would happen next. Mommy hadn't told me I would hurt so badly. She said she'd be able to fix me._

_"Goodnight Kenneth. You shouldn't be up so late. You have preschool tomorrow. Goodnight son." Daddy kissed my cheek, lingering with his lips on my skin. As he pulled away his lips moved closer to my own lips but didn't touch. Then he pulled back and walked away._

_My bedroom door closed quickly after daddy left. I waited for mommy to come but she never did. I waited for any sound of someone coming to fix me. Maybe I was fixed. That's what daddy must have been doing. He was trying to make me not a bastard anymore daddy was fixing me. Still I hurt all over and I felt so little in the black room. Mother didn't come though; instead I heard the sound of springs and screams. _

_The next morning mother gave me Kevin's old hoodie. She pulled the orange fabric over my head and smiled. With the hood on you could only see my face. She pulled the two strings on the side and suddenly all I could see in the mirror was my eyes. Mother pushed me out the door and left me to walk to preschool all on my own. She seemed so happy this morning. I wonder if daddy fixed her too…_

I felt my head jerk down. I woke with a start to find that my head was no longer resting on my hand but had fallen on the desk. I was frightened by the nightmare. It was very similar to how my 'relationship' with dad started. I remember that it was the night Kevin ran, mother had been hurt, and dad had come to me that night to hurt me worse. I don't remember anything else but that. I must really be frightened to pretend I'm some other man's child. Not that it would be bad I wouldn't mind being part of a different family right about now.

Imagine Kevin eating dinner with a man with our dirty blonde hair and blue eyes. He would be in a suit. His wife would have one child and not want anymore! Yeah I'd go and meet up with them. Daddy I'm home I would say. Then I'd meet up with Kevin- oh Kevin. God Kevin, where the hell did you go? I need you here and you left me to be hit and kicked and ra- God Kenny stop thinking about it! Just make it through the next few months and then you'll be free!

I tell myself this all the time. I wonder when I'll be convinced that it will all be okay. Most kids my age are just worried about getting some. I don't have that problem. Some kids are worried about what they're going to wear. I only have a few outfits so that doesn't matter. I guess I shouldn't think about other kids when I'm not like any other kids. Because my family has never been the same.

There's a knock at my door. I consider just staying quiet. My family will usually just leave me alone during the day if I don't answer. If I do ignore though it may be mom and she'd get mad. Or they may be coming to tell me dinner's ready and I would miss food. I figure that food is more important than ignoring my family.

"Yeah? Come in!" my tone is angry.

"Kenny-Benny?" oh man it's Karen.

"Oh sorry Kare-bear. I thought you were going to be mom. Come here." I extend my arms and take her in a hug.

"Oh Kenny, mom is really upset. She was crying into the soup pot and I told her she'd make the soup salty. Kenny she threw the spoon at me. Mom has never been aggressive towards me. I've never known her to be aggressive at all. All I was trying to do was help. After she freaked out she broke down. I couldn't get her to stop crying and muttering about daddy. Kenny-Benny what's going on?"

I don't want to tell her the truth. So I take her in a hug. Karen digs her head into my chest. For a fourteen year old she is very young. She's such an innocent child; I can't be the one to hurt that. Yet someone needs to let her know. I'll be gone in a few months and then no one will be here to protect her. She'll be the oldest once I'm gone…

"Karen, promise me that'll you'll always love mommy no matter what I tell you." She nods. "Well daddy isn't a good man. He's a very bad man. Mommy is just afraid of what he may do if she messes up. She used to be a very outspoken woman but shortly after Kevin left she changed. Daddy did something and she saw what he was capable of. After that she got so scared that now she turns her head away and doesn't pay attention."

Karen didn't look happy. She didn't look as devastated as I thought she would be either. I had thought she would hate mother. I guess I thought wrong. Karen is always a surprise. I guess she's tougher than I have her down as. Sure she acts like a three year old most of the time but she can handle big situations. I learn something everyday.

Karen is clutching to me as much anymore. I hadn't noticed that she pulled away from my hug. Now she was sitting just staring at me. If I didn't know her it would have been a little creepy. She's my little sister and she's looking kind of moony like. But, just as I guessed, she pulls me into another hug.

"Ken, mom said something about bad news. Didn't she have a doctor thing today? If it's bad news maybe you should leave after dinner. I know you don't like it but daddy could get angry and you shouldn't be here for that. Why don't you just go to a friends house?"

That's something else I didn't know about Karen. She knew what was really going on behind closed doors. I would have figured that it would be some huge secret and mom wouldn't allow anyone to know about it other than dad, her, and me. Shouldn't Karen be giving me some disgusted look? If she's figured it all out how can she just sit there and hold me? How can she still care for dad?

"I figured you would need a hug. Don't start daydreaming on me okay? Just come on. Let's go out for dinner and face it. If you'd like you can sleep in the girls room tonight. There's some room on the floor."

"Karen, please just forget whatever it is you know. Please go back to the arrogance of innocence. For me, please."

"I have no clue what you are talking about." She looked at me with a sly grin.

I'm so happy she's playing along. I don't want her to always be thinking about it. I want her to still view me as a perfect brother. I hope she can still sit at the dinner table without freaking out about our family secrets. The fact that she's playing along helps me. Because I need someone who won't freak out on me.

When Cartman found out part of the secrets he freaked. I had to stay with him that night. He was shocked that I went home the next day. Still to this day he doesn't let me fully forget that he knows. I wish he would pretend like Karen.

Karen hops off the bed and reaches her hand out for mine. I don't take her hand but I get up. She frowns when I walk past her. I just want to pick up my chair. She shoved it aside pretty well. So now that it's all nice again I take Karen's hand. She gives me a smile and leads me out to the rest of the trailer.

The table is all set when we leave my room. It looks like a real family's table setting. My eyes widen when I take note of this. The only time we have a nice dinner is when something is wrong or extremely good. With the way mom's acting I would say that it's more of a bad thing. I wish they would just tell us stuff. Instead we get a big dinner only to be ruined by bad news.

Mother looks at me with a suspicious and evil eye. It takes me a moment to realize that I'm still holding onto Karen. God my mother has a horrible mind. There is no way I would ever do anything with poor Karen, or any of my siblings. Yet mom only takes note that we were behind closed doors. I drop Karen's hand not sure if that will make it better or worse.

All the little kids start to fill up out of their rooms. Everyone stands behind his or her place at the table and we wait. It's become tradition to not even sit until father is home. We still go to dinner at seven no exceptions. Yet there are nights when we will be standing for a good hour before mom tells us to go to our rooms.

Tonight we don't have to wait long. Dad is home, and somewhat sober. I can't smell the liquor from a foot away like normal. Maybe he figured whatever mom would announce would be good. Dad seems to be trying for some reason. I'm starting to wonder if hidden cameras surround the house. I can't think of any other reasons for dad to be acting so nicely towards all of us, even me.

"Well dig in!" Mom says with fake happiness.

Dads smile fades away after hearing mom's voice. I can tell she's trying to stay happy but the longer he stares the harder it is for her. Soon she's almost to tears and we've barely started to eat. Mom just keeps taking large bites of soup and dad hasn't eaten anything. I'm starting to get worried about all of this. I have no clue what's going on but even I know that it won't be good.

We slowly finish our eating and mom stands. This is what she does every time she makes a special announcement. The rest of us sit in silence as we wait for her kind, or not so kind, words. I watch as mom licks her lips and opens her mouth to speak. When no words come out I bite my bottom lip. There is no way this is good news.

"Kids, honey I need to tell you something. I went to the doctor today and well there is something wrong with mommy. See one thing that makes a girl different from a man," I don't see how this is good dinner talk! "Is the fact that she can have babies. Well the doctor told me today that I can no longer have children and that's why I am late. I guess if you have so many kids young then you'll get older quicker than you should."

Dad looked really mad. I thought it was odd because he didn't want more kids. Hell he didn't want any after Kenneth was born. Mom was the one that wanted children. Yet dad looked more upset that mom was. I can't understand what's going on right now. It seems like the family is flipping. I have no clue where to look. Mom's distressed face or dad's angered face.

"What the hell Carol? You promised two more kids!" dad said receiving confused looks from all the kids old enough to understand.

"Well I can't stop this from happening. The doctor said that he's rarely seen anyone so young go through this. I just laughed him off because I'm not that young; I'm just not old. He said that blows to the stomach and abdomen plus the large number of children probably affected me worse than I thought."

Dad gets silent again. It's never a good thing when dad gets silent. The last time he got so silent after someone said something at dinner was the last night Kevin was here. I was only five but I can remember talking to Kevin earlier that night. He told me that he could make dad get quiet. I didn't believe him but he was right.

_Kevin stood on his chair halfway through dinner. Mom's eyes widened in anger. She hated when we stood on the furniture. Dad didn't even notice, not that he was amazingly drunk he just wasn't paying attention. I could barely contain my laughter. I figured this was Kevin's way of shutting dad up. While, yes dad wasn't talking, he wasn't doing anything to make him talk._

_"Mom, father I have something to say. I've been looking for a man."_

_Father started choking on his food. Mo screamed a little bit. I just started laughing and looked at small Karen and the twins Kane and Katie. Karen's mouth was in the shape of an O and the babies were still throwing the bottles to their mouths. Karen was almost a year old by now and the twins were newborns. I didn't really know what was so shocking about what Kevin had said so I don't think Karen could've known. But the looks on my other siblings' faces were shocked just as badly as mom and dads. _

_My older brother Kolb was only about eight. He still looked surprised by what Kevin had said. Kepi was about ten. She was holding back laughter. I figured she knew what he was talking about though. It is strange that she wasn't scared like the rest. Instead she thought it was funny. Maybe what he said wasn't so bad?_

_"Now don't give me those looks! That's not what I meant at all. I've been searching for someone named Greg."_

_That didn't get much of a better response. Although none of the children seemed confused. I felt better since my siblings didn't know what Kevin was talking about. Mother looked like she was about to die that very minute. Daddy just looked like he was going to kill Kevin. Dad's looks however seemed sidetracked, he would switch from Kevin to mother._

_"I thought he was old enough to understand." Mother pleaded to father about something._

_"Damn it woman! You can't go around talking about that bi man to Kevin or Kenneth! Do you hear me, you just shut your trap about that man."_

_"He wasn't even bi Stuart. He was one hundred percent gay we were both just a little drunk."_

_"Yeah is that your excuse for Kenny too?"_

_My parents looked like they were going to kill each other. Dad looked madder about the whole situation. Mom just looked like she wanted to climb in a hole and die. Kevin wasn't living up to his promise; dad was talking more than ever._

_"Shut the hell up you two!" Kevin yelled and they did. "I went looking for him. I found him too. Him and Daniel are just a few miles from here. They asked if I would visit. I'm thinking of just going for good."_

_The whole room was silent as Kevin hopped off the chair. He just walked from the room. Mom screamed again and fell to the floor. Dad followed Kevin to his room. I heard a crash about two minutes later but I didn't think anything of it._

I came out of my day dream and started to focus on now. Although the memory of so many years ago helped me figure out my dream. Greg was the guy kevin went looking for. I must have been thinking about that during my nap earlier. I knew that name sounded familiar.

I looked from mother to father almost scared of what I was seeing. Both of them looked really mad now. I wanted to hide in a hole. I've gotten old enough to know what a fight between the two of them means. Mom should know better than to fight him now. She knows what it means for me.

As we finished dinner in silence we each took our own plate to the sink. None of us felt like washing anything so we left. Karen and Katie took Kim into their room early tonight. Kane and Kipper left as well. They went to their room as quietly as possible. Mom left for my parent's room. Dad and I just stood there in silence. I waited for something to happen. Nothing did.

I walked to my room and closed the door again. I could hear dad's steps moving closer. I prayed that they weren't coming to me. Go to mom I prayed. For once I got my prayer. Dad passed my room and went into his own, for now. It was still light out though, the night hasn't even started.

**AN:** All right! This is chapter five! I had hoped to give away some information on Kenny's life without goving away it all. I so not own South Park or anything you recognize. All I own is the plot which I have thought of, and now I have the end in my head too, I'm so proud! Anyway, I'm posting this chapter the night before school starts. I hope some people will review me and let me know what they think so far. The chapter chapter is a very long one... and with school it won't be out for a while. Don't freak out I will work on this story in all my free time that I can spare but I won't get a chance to post very much. So please wait nicely and let me know how I'm doing so I have a reaosn to go on. I really want to finish this story but some reviews would make it much easier to keep going, knowing people like the story is always good. So please wait, review and enjoy what we have learned so far! Until I post again, Cartman'sLover!


	6. Nighttime Terrors

AN: I would like to thank everyone for waiting so long for this chapter to come out. I'll remind you all that I don't own South Park in anyway. The plot is of my own creation though. Please know that this chapter is a major reason for the R rating. I also and not supporting rape, abuse, or incest in any way. I am very much against all the terrible things that happen in this chapter. But they were needed for the plot to continue. Please read, review, and enjoy.

**Nighttime Terrors**

It's almost midnight by now. I set my watch back onto my desk and turn over in my bed. I can't see anything through all the darkness but what I can see is what's going to happen next. I've gotten used to the pattern. I know that at midnight tonight daddy will come into my room. I know because he's been doing it ever since Kevin left. I may have gotten older but that's just about all I really know is that dad will be here in a few minutes.

A door creaks in the distance. Footsteps can be heard and they're getting closer. One foot is being dragged slightly almost like the person is having trouble with his balance. It's not horrible though, some nights he'll crawl all the way here. Those are the nights I have to fight him off. Not tonight though, tonight I'll just have to hold back and cry once he's gone.

The footsteps stop right in front of my door. I can hear the doorknob turning, God we need to oil things around the house. The door swings open in a loud eerie way. I can see his silhouette standing in the doorway. There's a bottle in his hand that is swings back and forth. He stumbles forward and falls and he kneels right before the bed.

Oh no he's worse than I thought! I figured that since he could walk he couldn't be that drunk but he's still drinking. He takes a swig of the liquid and sways in place. His breath smells horrible, only as bad as one other night before this. Although, I can't remember that night very well. I've gotten really good at blocking things from my memory. I do remember enough of it though. Kevin had only left about four weeks before that night. I would be six in just about a month. Dad came home sober for once.

_Karen smiled at me as I set her in her chair. She was so little I felt like her protector. Like I was a super hero or something cool like that. She fought me for a minute. I latched a seat belt around her waist and she was forced to stay in her chair. I walked to mom who handed me a plate full of food cut into many small pieces. I walked back to Karen and divided the food between her and the twins, who were already seated. All three smiled up at me, I still liked Karen's smile the best though._

_"Mommy when will we get to eat?" _

_Mom just set her plate in front of her chair and stood there. I followed her lead afraid to do anything else. I knew mom could yell and hit just as hard as any boy. So I just do as she does and then I can't get in trouble._

_"Daddy wants us older kids to wait from now on. He… explained… to me yester night that he doesn't like it when we eat before he's home. I only gave the babies food because they are too young to understand."_

_I nodded even though I didn't understand. All I knew was that mom was saying I was an old kid now. I smiled at the thought. Although it did mean that I would have to wait to eat. Maybe it would be more fun to not be older._

_"Now Kolb, Kepi, I need you to stay quiet tonight about Greg okay? I know you are excited about hearing from Kevin but it's best that we just don't say anything to daddy. I would like to hear about the letter though. Your father shouldn't be home for another few minutes why don't you read it to me?"_

_Kepi pulled a folded piece of paper from her pocket and handed it to Kolb. He unfolded it carefully. Then he started to talk, or I guess read, what was on the paper._

_"Dearest family. I hope that all is still well. Know that I have made it to my destination safely, although I won't say where for safety concerns. I have told Greg all that I could think about that has to do with our family. I know father would disapprove of that but someone needed to know. I did however leave out about the hitting and such, because I may not love him how I should but Stuart is still like a father to me. Greg sends his sorrow and sympathy about Kenneth the First, even if it is belated. He has invited me to stay as long as I please, and I please to stay for a long time. Daniel is a good man. I know mother was upset to learn that Danielle was a Daniel but know that he does come close to being as good as mother is. I am talking about the subject in hopes that mother has already told you about everything. In case not I'll sum it up. Mother had an affair with Greg she didn't know that he had Daniel. They were drunk. Anyway, I hope that everything has remained the same. I know that father might not have mentioned the last night I was at home so maybe I should warn you all just in case. Father has taken a liking to our dear Kenny. He feels the same hatred for him as he did me because of his biological father but he has a twisted mind frame when it comes to Kenny. Some of the things he said frightened me into leaving. Greg was very concerned about a few of my bruises that still remained from my last night, but I still didn't tell him anything. Please protect mother and Kenny, and anyone on the way. I do love you all and I just hope you get out of there as soon as… Well mom maybe I shouldn't read the rest of the letter. Kevin kind of meant for Kepi and I to read it alone. It just goes on to talk about inside jokes from there on out."_

_Mom was in tears on the ground. All of us had been paying so much attention to Kolb reading the letter about Kevin that no one saw her collapse. We also didn't see daddy standing in the doorway. _

_"What the fuck! I go to my job and make a good days pay, I don't bother going to a bar, I come straight here and you are talking about that! How the hell could you do that to me Carol! Why would you let my kids have anything to do with your past! That bastard is happy with his gay father now. Well his gay father ruined your life Carol and he ruined my marriage with you. I hope you are happy. You've been poisoning my kids minds with letters from that gay man's son!"_

_Mom broke down into more tears. I really want to understand what's going on. Kepi and Kolb have faded into the background for now. Karen and the twins are still eating their food taunting me with their youthfulness. I just want to sit down and eat. If daddy's telling the truth and he didn't go to a bar then we could have a nice dinner for once. But of course everyone has to get all upset over this Greg guy again._

_"Damn it I thought I asked you to wait for me to start eating Carol."_

_"They are just babies. Everyone else hasn't even sat down yet. I just had to give the babies something really quick. They were very upset." Mom managed to get out through tears._

_Dad just looked around at all of us and stormed towards the door. He grabbed his jacket on the way out and slammed the door behind him. Mom calmed down after a while and the babies finished eating. Mom cleared their stuff away and told us to go ahead and eat. We stood nervously for a minute; afraid that the moment we started eating dad would come home. But we ate and finished our meal before we heard a peep from outside._

_Mom had been in her room for an hour. She hadn't made any noise since she told us to eat. Kepi helped me clear away the table. Kolb was putting the babies to sleep. I was pretty much silent, there was nothing I could say. Kepi however found plenty to talk about._

_"Mother needs to leave! I can't believe that she would stay here when she knows everything that is going on. We have enough problems without her shutting her eyes at all the bad things he's doing. We're stuck here like mini Cinderellas and she just goes to her room and waits for him." I think she was talking to herself more than to me._

_"Hey Kepi?" she turned and realized I was still in the room. "What did that letter mean? Why'd it say daddy took a liking to me?"_

_She didn't reply. I watched her put the last plate in the dishwasher and walk out of the kitchen. I stared after her waiting for a reply but I never got one. So instead I walked to my room and waited for daddy to come home…_

My heart beats fast. Daddy has always been a tough subject for me but I don't know what to do. I quickly get out from under my blankets and help dad lay on the bed. I know why he came here but I still can't just let him be. I rub some of the hair off his face and kiss his forehead quickly. He reaches for my hand but he's too slow when he's drunk.

"Dad I'm going to get you a towel."

I leave him on my bed and go in search for any type of cloth that's in our house. In the end I settle for a dish rag. I go to the kitchen sink and wet it, or soak it. I ring it out and start to turn back. I have a bad feeling in my stomach though. I should know better than to help him. I should feel disgusted by him and want him dead. Yet I can't help but love the man I _wish_ he could be.

I make my way slowly back to my room. Dad isn't on the bed anymore. Instead he's sitting at my desk. His eyes open on the screen of the laptop that Kyle bought me two years ago. I wanted to scream but I wasn't sure what he was doing just yet. I walked closer and saw him going through all my videos.

"Daddy why are you on my computer?"

"I didn't even know you had one. But I saw it and I wanted to go online. Instead I found this… This is very interesting son."

I look over his shoulder again and actually read the file names and categories. He was looking at the different porn videos I had downloaded over the years. Most of them were labeled something to do with sluts and just categorized as porn. As dad scrolled down though I could see the other stuff. Something I knew would be used against me. I couldn't help it though. Dad had forced me to it basically. I sometimes just needed a little bit of gay porn to finish off.

Before I knew it dad was hovering over me. I always realized how tall he was when he got close at night. The fear factor of everything that goes on just makes him seem that much taller. I don't even come to his shoulders. He stands over me like he always does and pulls my head up to look at his. I still can't see that well but the light from the laptop shows his outline. Suddenly his lips are on mine. I try to push him off and all he says is.

"What you don't want a goodnight kiss?"

He scared me when he said that. There were very few times he ever said that. Except for that one night. That night he came home sober. That was the night this whole thing started. He asked if I wanted a goodnight kiss over and over again. I didn't understand what he was talking about. He had frightened me…

_I sat in my room alone for hours, so it seemed. I knew dad well enough by now to know he'd be coming to me first. It was well past midnight when his truck pulled into the driveway. My small childish heart skipped a beat wondering what would happen next. I didn't have to wonder for long though. Dad came to my room and stayed there with me. He did something even I wasn't expecting. _

_Every time he'd come in my room since Kevin left I had gotten hurt. He'd tell me that it was because he wanted to love me but I just made it so hard. That I made him do what he did._

_Well this night he came into my room and sat silently. I sat up next to him on the bed. Suddenly his arms were around my shoulders. Dad was hugging me for the first time in my life. His head nuzzles into my neck. It's weird an awkward having him so close, and so drunk. If he had just come home drunk in the first place everything would be okay. But instead he had to try to be a good dad. Now he's getting really touchy, and it's making me uncomfortable._

_I sit holding my breath for as long as I can. Dad just rubs my back making small circles with his hands. His lips are hot on my neck. I can't hold my breath any longer. My heart is beating so quickly that I can't keep my breath under control. Dad lifts his face from my neck and looks at me._

_"Don't you want a goodnight kiss?"_

_"Daddy I don't know what you're talking about." I say as I scoot away from where my father is sitting on the bed._

_Dad grabbed my head and turned me to look at him. There was something in his eyes that I just didn't understand._

_"So you don't want a good night kiss?" he sounded disappointed._

_I sat in silence looking at him some more. He had never been nice to me when he was drunk. Even when he was sober he had never offered to kiss me goodnight. Mom had done that a few times when I had bad dreams but other than that I didn't really get affection. Kepi tried to act motherly sometimes. Kolb tried to be a dad for me. But having my real father offer to be a dad for once seemed like a good thing._

_I nodded my head. I was afraid that speaking would make him change his mind. He leaned forward and I started to turn my cheek towards him. But he took my face in his hands and kissed me on the mouth. I didn't close my eyes like he did, my eyes got wider. I was suddenly much more frightened than I had been._

"Daddy please not now, not tonight. Please just let me sleep tonight. I just started school today. I want to rest for now."

Dad didn't seem to care how worn out school had caused me to be. He moved behind my back and pushed me towards the bed. Usually if he was going to hit he would have by now. So that only leaves a few other options. Nothing seems to be in my favor tonight. Dad came towards me and swayed with every step he took.

"I offered you my affection. Why would you turn me down boy? Haven't I been through enough disappointment tonight, can't I have one happy thing?"

I wanted to scream. There was nothing I wanted more than to run away from my loony father and go to the safety of my friends. Eric would help me, he promised he would always be there. Hell even Stan or Kyle would be good at this point. I just don't understand what is going on at the moment. He always wanted to stop having kids and now that he doesn't get anymore he's pissed. It doesn't make any sense.

"Daddy please I just am very tired at the moment. Can't you wait till tomorrow?"

Father just looked angry now. I can't keep up with his mood swings. I had hoped that this would be a good day of school. I had hoped that I'd come home late and everything would be okay. I wonder what happened to that hope. I had almost forgotten what a good mood I had been in this morning. I had stopped thinking about the friends I saw again today, I had forgotten about most everything up to this point.

"Daddy please…"

I'm begging now. I really just want him to pass out. I can hope with all my might that he would still listen despite how drunk he is. I can't know though. There are some nights that he just wants to act like he's going to do something.

"Boy shut the fuck up and just get over here."

Dad's on my bed again. My lips are shaking along with the rest of me as I walk towards him. Any smart person would run away. Not me though, I walk towards the scary man. Eric would yell at me to use my brain and run. I can't think about him though. Not right now. I don't want to think about Eric right before my dad hurts me again.

I can feel his hands on my arms. His lips soon are on my lips. Daddy has me on my back laying his weight on me so I can't move. I kiss him back every time his lips come to mine. I'm too afraid not to. Soon it will all be better, soon he'll be gone again. Clothes are discarded quickly. Daddy doesn't care about being nice anymore.

_Daddy held me in his arms in such a loving way. Yet his kiss felt so wrong. Never had mommy tried to kiss me like this, or any of my siblings. Dad's lips were moist and soft against mine. I could feel his tongue trace my bottom lip every few minutes. Once he actually put his tongue in my mouth. I just watch his face as he kisses me. I don't feel right yet daddy looks happy and content holding me._

_"Daddy?" I ask breaking off from his kiss for a moment._

_"What do you want?" dad doesn't sound happy again. _

_"I don't feel right. Are you sure this is right. I just don't feel good about this."_

_Daddy just laughed at me and kissed my mouth again. He kissed my cheek and neck. Anywhere my skin was showing he kissed. Then he put his mouth really close to my ear and whispered that there was nothing wrong at all. I assumed that daddy would never lie to me so I let him keep kissing me._

Dad's bare chest is pressed hard against mine. His small beer belly fills the gap of space between our stomachs. His hands are supporting him on the bed for the moment. For the moment all I have to deal with is his kiss. I guess what's the most sad about the whole situation is that I have stopped fighting him. I learned a long time ago that he doesn't care if I want him to stop. I just have to sit back and let him do what he wants.

His fingers run through my hair. He traces my face with kisses. There seems to be nothing else he wants to do. He just kisses my face tonight. That can't be it though. I know that after all the work he had to do to get me to the bed he wouldn't just want to kiss me. I know my father all too well.

Dad's hands are all over my body now. His fingers run down to my pant line. I can feel him messing with my pants. He doesn't want them on anymore. Before I can even consider helping he just rips them right off. In his drunken state he couldn't even try to take my pants off, no he had to go and ruin them.

I try to make my mind wander. It would be so much easier if my mind would just stop thinking about what he was doing. I could think about the shopping trip I had today. Or even what I'll do tomorrow. Hell when Eric comes to get me maybe I'll tell him what happened and he'll insist I sleep over at his place. That'd be nice. To get to sleep over there, Mrs. Cartman isn't home and Eric and I could talk without her hearing all the problems in life. It'd be great to talk to him. Maybe I would tell him the first time all this happened. I almost don't want to tell him though. If I tell him then he'll get very upset and try to lock dad up again. I don't want him to do that. Yet telling Eric about the first time would be a giant step in our friendship.

_"Don't you worry boy. Dear Kenny you don't have to worry."_

_Daddy had picked me up and was laying me in bed. He kissed my forehead as he laid me down. He had taken my sheet off the bed. He set me down on the naked mattress and made me sit still. He told me not to move. He told me to be quiet. _

_"I'll be back Kenny. Don't you move now. I want you to be still."_

_I turned my head and watched daddy stumble out of my room. I wanted to get up. So I slowly moved hoping that dad wouldn't notice if I moved. I jumped off my bed and ran to my desk. I pulled open the bottom drawer and searched through the papers. Finally I found my walkie-talkie. _

_"Eric…" I said pressing the button._

_"You're supposed to say over you idiot. Over"_

_"Sorry, I just wanted to say how daddy's been drinking again. Over."_

_"Shoot! Does this mean that you are coming over here? Over"_

_"No," I paused to think of the right words. "Don't worry he's being nice. Over."_

_"You poor crap. You woke me up for that? I don't care idiot! Go have fun with your drunken daddy. Let me sleep. Over"_

_I tried to tell Eric I was sorry but he ignored my messages. I had hoped he would be excited for me. I usually cried over my father when he was drunk. Dad was always pretty mean and he would say awful things sometimes. I wanted my best friend to be happy for me._

_I set the walkie-talkie down on the floor near my bed. I never noticed before how empty my room was. I had always thought it was just fine. But without Kevin's stuff in here too it's almost sad how empty it is. All I have is a small desk and a bed. Most kids have a lot of stuff._

_I walk back over to my bed. If daddy comes back soon I won't want to be up. He'll be upset if I'm up. I close my eyes and listen to the sounds of the night. There is a distant banging, maybe the neighbor boys got in a fight again. Then there's the sound of crying. That sound is much closer… It's mom. I don't know why mom is crying but I hear her talking to dad through her sobs. There is a crash and a door slam. I stay really still…_

_Dad comes back into the room only minutes after that. His shirt is gone and he looks so sad. I want to jump up and ask if he's all right but I know that's not a smart idea. I'm pretty sure the crash I heard was daddy throwing mom again. I have to remember to go check on her when he lets me get up again._

_Dad comes to me. He's sitting on the edge of the bed right next to me. Something doesn't feel right. There is something wrong. I can't even think of anything that could possibly be wrong with daddy sitting there but something doesn't feel right. He leans down really close. I can smell the beer on his breath. Dad kisses my forehead and his lips linger on my skin._

_"I love you Kenny. You know that right. I love you so much. I know you love me too. Because we're family and you have to love me. You just have to Kenny. I wouldn't be able to stand it if you didn't love me. You love me right Kenny. Because I know how you can prove it. I know the prefect way for you to show me just how much you really do love me."_

_I looked up and my daddy's tear stained face. I felt so horrible for him at that moment. All I wanted to do was help him out. I just wanted him to feel loved and know that I still thought he was a good dad. I didn't want dad feeling bad about him self. That's when he drinks more. I want him to know he can come home sober and that it will be okay._

_"What do I have to do daddy? I want you to know I love you."_

_Daddy stayed silent for a minute. I thought he hadn't heard me but he had to have. It was to quiet throughout the house for him not to have heard me. We were in the small little room I know he had to have heard me. Then daddy got really close again. His face was only inches away from mine. His lips lingered above mine as he spoke._

_"Just don't make a noise. Be really quiet. Listen to me baby boy, just don't make a noise."_

_I wanted to scream. I didn't know what daddy was doing to me. My mind was racing and my head felt like it would explode at any moment. I wanted to yell out but daddy told me to be really quiet. I didn't feel right though. Daddy was so close, too close. I wanted to cry and I think I started to do a silent cry. Tears were streaming down my face but I didn't make a sound just like he asked. _

_Daddy had taken my clothes off. His clothes were slowly coming off. I didn't know what to do. I sat and I thought. I wanted to think of something I could say that would make dad realize that I was uncomfortable. Then I have to think about how daddy said not to say anything. I can't disappoint daddy. I said I would be quiet and I have to be. I need to be quiet for daddy._

_I don't feel clean anymore. Dad's body is right next to mine and I just don't feel clean. Dad is getting really hot and sweaty. I can feel the gross sweat running off onto my body. That makes me feel even more disgusting. I want daddy to leave. I want him to stop doing whatever he's doing._

_"Boy remember I told you to be silent. Don't tell anyone about this you remember that too" Daddy reminded me._

_I don't say anything. He wants me to be quiet so I can't tell him I remember. I just nod and go on with my crying. Then suddenly it hurts. It hurts really badly and I can't stand the pain. Daddy's hurting me and I don't like the pain. I want dad to stop but he doesn't. It only gets worse. _

_"Daddy stop it hurts. Daddy I don't like this stop!" I screamed almost as loud as I could. _

_It only hurt worse after that. Then daddy was off the bed. I still hurt all over but daddy wasn't near me anymore. I watched as daddy just left everything behind and walked out of my room. He made his way through the trailer back to his room. I had wanted to go see mom but it hurt so badly to move._

_I rolled off my bed. I was bleeding. I couldn't figure out where I was bleeding but there was blood on my bed. I was on my floor and I was probably getting blood on the floor now. I felt so horrible I just wanted to die. Yet I somehow found the will to move. I crawled my way over to the walkie-talkie lying on the floor. _

_Inch by inch I moved at snail rate. I didn't want to hurt anymore but I did hurt. It hurt so badly that I couldn't stand it. I needed to tell someone how badly it hurt. I wanted someone to come and tell me that what happened was okay. So I moved slowly to my only way of communicating with Eric._

_"Eric, Over."_

_There was no reply._

_"Eric please I need you. Please Eric daddy hurt me really badly. Eric I need to talk to you. Eric please answer. Come on Eric answer please. Over"_

_Still there was no answer. He had turned his off. He wasn't ignoring me he just had turned it off after I woke him up. Then daddy's words came to my head. He had said that I shouldn't tell anyone. Maybe it was a sign. I'm not supposed to tell anyone. So I stayed silent. I turned my walkie-talkie off and curled into a ball._

Dad is done now. I would be glad but he fell asleep on my arm. I want to reach out to my desk and get my phone but he would wake up if I moved. Still the idea of calling Eric over powered the fear of my father. I managed to roll off the bed without waking him. I fell on his bottle.

He must have broken it at some point because it cut right into my right side. I couldn't even scream because the pain I felt from that was nothing compared to the pain of before. I crawled across the floor cutting my hands and legs on broken glass that was scattered across the floor. The only comfort I had now was knowing that dad would cut his feet up when he tries to leave.

When I got to my phone I slid it into my pocket and continued trying to get out of the room. I didn't want the light to wake father up. I know how bad it could get if I wake him up. I wouldn't just be bleeding from my sides, legs, and hands; I'd have no blood left to spill. It's a sad thought but I think that I can safely assume he would come close to killing me if he woke up.

When I got to my doorway I looked back for a second. I was afraid to leave him by himself. I felt guilt for leaving him. After everything he's done for me I still care about him. I don't see how that is possible. He's put me through a complete hell. He's hit me and hurt me so many times. Yet I still care for him. In the back of my mind there is love for him. I wish I knew why. I don't want to feel this way. I would much rather not care about the drinking bastard but I know that I'll always care a little. That's what scares me, the fact that I'll always care.

I wanted to say something but since I could I just left the room. That in it-self was a difficult task. I couldn't stand very easily with how hurt I was. When I did stand more blood came rushing from the wounds. I needed to stand to reach the doorknob though. Once the door was open I managed to get through without any problems. I had to lean against the wall to walk out of my house.

It almost made me laugh how it took so much to leave my horrible father but I can leave my family as a whole in the blink of an eye. I stumbled my way out of the trailer park without even thinking of turning back. The snow on the ground felt nice on my bare feet. I kept walking and soon it turned into a run. My head was rushing from the blood loss. I should've passed out. I could feel my head get lighter and lighter. I should've been more worried. All I cared about was getting away. Going to the nice side of town and finding Eric.

With one more step I fell to the ground. I looked back behind me and there was a trail of blood that followed me to this very spot. The pain I should have been feeling when I was running all came and hit me at once. I wanted to die. I just wanted someone to run over me with a car or someone to shot me right this second. I would have let myself die too.

I felt my phone in my pocket. It was vibrating. I tried to pull it out but it took a lot of work to get it out of the blood filled pocket. I looked at the screen and it was Eric's name really big. The most random thought hit me as I realized it was the school year and I should change that back to Cartman. My shaking fingers opened the phone and brought it to my ears.

"Kenny? Ken where are you? You didn't answer earlier and you've never ignored my calls before. I'm coming over to try and get you. I have a bad feeling. Why won't you answer the phone?"

Eric's voice was comforting in my ear. It was so nice I was happy again. With all the pain that I was in it was still nice to hear Eric. I felt so much better all of a sudden. Lights were coming in the distance. The car probably wouldn't notice me. They would either drive on or kill me like I had hoped. But with Eric's voice still talking to me I didn't want to die anymore. I wanted to live. I wanted him to find me.

"Kenny it makes me nervous that you would answer the phone and not talk. I'm almost to your- Holy shit! Kenny."

The lights were right in my face now. The car had pulled over and someone was running towards me. I wish I knew who it was. Then I saw the outline of a face. Someone was picking me up. I wanted to fight. I should have put up more of a fight. All too soon they were putting me in their car. Then movement started.

"Damn it Kenny." I heard Eric whisper, that was the last thing I remember from the car ride.

When my eyes opened it was all very white and bright. I closed them again because the light was painful. I wanted to move but someone was on me. For a moment I thought about screaming until I realized they were crying over me. I could tell who it was too it was Eric. He was here with me. He was the one from the car who had brought me wherever I am.

"Kenny please don't die. You're the best friend I've ever had. You make me be myself sometimes when I don't even want to. I've never felt this way before. Please Kenny you're too good to die. I love you just please don't die."

I wanted to say something but the words were caught in my throat. I couldn't even open my eyes let alone talk. But I wanted him to know that I would be okay. I moved my hand a little and tried o touch his. I could feel him jump back for a moment. Then he just collapsed in a chair next to me I guess. His head was lying right next to my wound. He wasn't touching and it didn't hurt but he was so close it made me feel strange to my stomach.

"Please keep getting better. Don't eave me now. Not when I don't even know what this could be. Please Kenny I need you by my side, forever. You can't leave."

I wanted to say something more. I had hoped to comfort him. But the darkness came again and the quiet. All I remember after that was him saying I love you one more time.


	7. Pretending at School

**AN:** This is a very late chapter. I am so sorry it has taken so long. I have been under a lot of personal stress and gone through many personal problems in the last few weeks. I won't say I didn't have time to write because this was my one chance to really write anything. But all I've felt like doing is laying in bed listening to sad music. So I hope you all can forgive me for taking so long to get this posted. I don't own South park or it's characters I do however own this plot, please don't steal it :) I would like to dedicate this chapter to the person who made me feel like writing. I read their review and suddenly knew I had to finish this chapter tonight. I couldn't even wait two minutes after reading the review to start writing. Thank you **Her Harlequin **this chapter is for you, I hope I haven't ruined the story for you!

It was hard for me to move. I think he knew that because he was trying to keep me from moving at all. I guess it's the hospital that's making him so antsy. I never have known him to be the type of person to have trouble with words. Or maybe it's just because he doesn't know that I heard him that first night I was here. It could be possible that something is going on at school that's making him act strange too.

He's sitting on the side of the bed. He's so close to me. Flashes of my father keep coming into my head. I have to remind myself that it's Cartman sitting beside me. I wish I could tell him not to sit so close but I want him near me. I need him to be around.

"Hey loser why are you so quiet?"

"There's just so much to say, where should I start?"

That was a lame ass answer. He can't say anything because he's too busy staring and the wounds I have on me. My arms and face are covered in bruises from my father's roughness. I had to have a lot of bandages put on around my whole torso because of the gash I got from the broken bottle. The doctors even fixed up my leg from when I fell in the hallway. I must look like shit. I'm not surprised he's staring.

The last few days he's been sitting in that chair not saying anything. He'll be here when I wake up. Then he goes to school and I sleep most of the day. When I wake up again he's sitting there doing his homework. The doctors don't make him leave at night so he just sleeps right there next to me.

It's really comforting knowing he's right there. Still I don't want him to just stare at me. I want to talk to him again. He hasn't said a word about anything since I woke up. It worries me that he can be so quiet.

"Hey Eric you didn't tell anyone why I'm here did you?"

"Of course not. Hell Kenny I don't even know why you're here."

Oh so that's how he wants to play it. He's doing our game from that summer. The first time he found out we just pretended like he knew nothing. Now we're playing that game again. I'm fine with that. I don't want to go back to school and have people staring at me as if I'm some freak. No pretending is just fine with me.

"Well how's school been?"

I have to ask. Not only because I want to know about our friend's lives but because he always forgets to give me homework until I ask. After the first week of sitting in this bed I asked Eric to start bringing me my work. I've missed a little over a month of school now. If Eric hadn't brought me my work I would already be failing every class.

"Oh yeah here's your work for this week. School's been going well. Stan kissed the Jew the other day. Wendy was sitting right next to him and didn't do a thing about it. I wanted to smack her. Her boyfriend's a fag and she just sits there. Jew boy went into a full make out session. It was pretty great. Bebe keeps asking how you are. It's more like she wants to know when she can bang you again. Token is trying to put the moves on Wendy. Butters admitted publicly that he was bi-curious. Other than that not much has happened at school. I keep having to keep Jew boy away. He thinks you tried to kill yourself again."

"I never fucking tried to kill myself in the first place."

It's funny really. I could have busted out at any point while Eric was talking. I could say I knew Jew was gay for Stan or that Butters was bi. Anyone could guess that Token would be after Wendy. The fact that the stupid Jew still thinks I'm trying to kill myself just gets on my nerves. I never once tried to kill myself. He is just so up his own ass that he can't see right.

"I know that dude. But in all fairness it was the alibi story you decided to go with when your dad hurt you. Kyle is only doing what he thinks is right. He just doesn't want you hurt."

Mood swings much? What happened to 'Jew boy' and all the other horrible things Kyle was? Why is he suddenly Kyle? What was with Eric today? He just could not be himself lately.

I don't even say anything. Eric doesn't mind the silence. Or at least I thought he wouldn't mind.

"Please Ken, talk to me. I haven't really gotten to talk to you. God most of the time you sit there like a zombie because of the drugs they give you. Finally you are perfectly fine and able to talk and we still sit in silence."

He was giving me a look I had never seen before. He really looked hurt. I couldn't think of anything to say that would make the pain on his face go away.

"Cartman-"

"It's Eric! Kenny you're the only one that's allowed to call me Eric, so call me Eric."

"All right, Eric, I just can't think of anything to say that will make any of this better. This is the second time we've been in this situation and both times we haven't known what to do. I never wanted you to find out about this. But you did and I can't do anything to make you forget about it. I want you to just forget and we can move on. But I know that we may pretend but somewhere in your mind you remember and you're thinking about it. What am I supposed to do about that? How can I be normal in your eyes again?"

He was silent. His eyes were on the ground, in shame maybe. I shouldn't have mentioned what happened. He gets uncomfortable, and I know better than to bring it up. I need to change the topic, somehow…

"So I can call you Eric all the time now?"

He laughed, "If you want you can call me Eric anytime."

"You're just saying that because I almost died. If I wasn't hurt then it would just be another school year of us ignoring the fact that we're friends."

He was silent again. He didn't like to hear about his cold-heartedness. He likes to think we're always friends, all the time. I know better than that though. Once the school year starts we are only part time friends. He doesn't think about it though. For him it's easier to pretend. Not for me though. My whole life is full of pretending, I can't pretend to be friends with him all the time. I have to look at the reality of things.

"Kenny, I'm sorry. I'll try to be better. Really I'll try, but I can't promise anything. You know me. I'm not a good person."

"That's a lie!" I screamed louder than planned. "You're a great person Eric. You really are."

"Well I'm glad you think so. I would dead if it wasn't for you Kenny."

"Why would you be dead?"

"Don't think I forgot about that stupid game we use to play. The one where we switched personalities. I almost killed myself when we were little. If you hadn't gotten my mother I'd be dead."

I watched Eric's eyes tear up for a second. He didn't like thinking about his mom anymore. She was somewhere in this hospital right now. He made her come after her last episode. She was dying quickly.

"Eric you need to stop thinking about Mother-Cartman."

"You still call her that?"

"Well I switched out Mommy for Mother. Please, you know how upset it makes you thinking about it."

Eric looked away from me. He didn't want to think about his mom. I can't believe he even brought her up in conversation.

"Hey why don't you go visit her? I have to shower anyway. Maybe the really hot nurse will come help me."

What did I just say? There are no hot nurses in this hospital. The only person here at all that's slightly good looking is a guy. I just lied to Eric to get him to leave me alone. Wow I can't believe I did that.

"If you want me gone that badly I'll go talk to mom."

I watched as Eric left my room. He looked so upset. He had tears rolling down his cheeks. It was just like when he had told me his mom was dying.

_"Kenny you can't sleep over tonight. Just go home okay?"_

_"Eric you were the one freaking out about my father. You were the one who said I could never go home again. You told me to pack my bags and to stay with you. Why didn't you just tell me to stay at home?"_

_Eric turned away from me slightly. I almost feel a little bad about getting upset. He had let me stay with him all summer. It was nice being away from dad that long. Even if Eric did know about what was going on. I shouldn't be so upset, especially since Eric's getting emotional._

_"Kenny, I just need to be alone with mom for a while, okay? I would let you stay over but I can't." He was crying._

_Eric never cries and yet he had tears crashing all around him. I ran to his side and sat him on the floor. His muscular arms wrapped around my small body like I was a teddy bear._

_"What's wrong Eric?"_

_"She's going to die. I told her to stop whoring around. I told her something bad would happen. The doctor said by the end of the year she'll be gone. How am I supposed to go on Kenny? She took care of everything. I don't know how to live without her doing everything for me."_

_I wiped the tears from his face. He looked so helpless while he cried about his mother. I can't help but think that he's having a breakdown. He always hated his mother but now that she's leaving he loves her. _

_"Eric I'll help you out. I have a job remember. I got a job two weeks ago. I'll help pay for bills. We can be roomies. It'll be fine Eric. We'll find a way to go on without Mommy-Cartman."_

_"I told her something bad would happen." He managed to choke out._

_"I know. I know Eric."_

_I pulled him into a hug and we sat there. We almost froze to death in his doorway. We would have stayed all night if his mom hadn't come home. She looked so defeated, so tired._

_"Come on now baby, get out of the door. We can't have you getting sick."_

_She wiped off his tear stained face. I sat still as she helped him off the ground and helped him to the couch._

_"Kenny are you coming in?"_

_I shook my head. _

_"You two should have some time alone together."_

_"Kenny you know that you are apart of our family. Family sticks together through it all. I wish that I could live to see you really become my son. I'd gladly take you in and have you for a son. Now you come in here and spend some time with your family."_

_I closed the door behind me as I walked inside. I hugged Mommy-Cartman but it was different than ever before. I needed comfort at that moment. It was like I was losing a mother as well._

Sitting in that hospital was one of the worst experiences I think I will ever go through. Everyday I watched as Eric pulled farther and farther away from me. Momma-Cartman was just down the hall from me so I'd visit when I could. I only went when school was in session though. Eric never knew that I visited her almost everyday. I don't think he wants to know either. I think he's happy keeping his mother and me apart. It keeps his two worlds apart.

"Momma-Cartman?" I asked one day shaking.

"Kenny baby you're a big boy now you don't have to call me such a childish name."

"Momma-Cartman please. I'm so scared you can't go. I need you near me. I don't have a mother, I don't have a family at all. You and Eric are all I have. If you leave so will he."

"Eric won't do that to you."

I started to cry. I swear I'm the biggest baby ever known. I swore that I would never cry in front of anyone. Yet here I was crying my eyes out in front of a dying woman. She should be the one crying. She's the one who is not going to get better. Yet she lets me cry on her shoulder.

"Don't worry Kenny." She soothed. "Everything will be all right."

A week later Eric took Momma-Cartman home. The doctors said that she would be okay for a while as long as she rested. I prayed everyday, that's right I Kenny McCormick prayed, that she would be all right. I wanted her to live. I even went as far as to offer my own soul for hers. Eric still visited me, but visits became fewer once he had Momma-Cartman to watch.

After three months of sitting in that hospital I was ready to go home.

The doctors finally said that I had all the drugs and alcohol out of my system. My leg was completely healed; it had been for a while. My face was as ugly as ever but healed nonetheless. After the first month of sitting in my bed I began to realize the reason I was still there, Eric.

The doctors only kept me this long because they were afraid of what they would be sending me home to. It's so dumb but I also think Eric told them how I smoked and they wanted to keep me away from cigarettes for as long as possible. It worked though. I don't feel like smoking or drinking anything right about now. I just want to go home.

Eric came today. I was pretty happy to see him before I was sent home. He stayed for about twenty minutes and talked with me. He told me that school was going well. I let him know that I would be back on Monday. He laughed at me and said that no one was forcing me to go. I just told him I wanted to. I guess there is just something about school. Yeah that's it, Eric is there. That's why I want to go back; my best friend is at school.

He wheeled me down stairs and said his goodbyes. Then he handed me some money and left. I waited for the taxi the hospital had called for me. I gave the driver the money and told him to get me as close to my house as the money would allow. Then I drove home, back to my hellhole life that I hadn't missed very much.

My mother was waiting for me on the lawn. She smiled as I got out of the car. I was embraced in a large hug as if she really cared about me.

"Why didn't you come to visit me mother?"

"Stuart said it was a waste of time to visit a bastard child. I wanted to visit darling trust me I did."

"Why does dad insist that I'm a bastard? He sees me everyday, he use to hurt me every night. Why can't he accept that I have a father?"

Mom pulled me into the house and got very quiet. She pushed me into a chair with force I hadn't seen from mom in years.

"Kenny baby, your father calls you a bastard child because you are. You and Kevin were a product of a fling I had. You see before Kevin was born I got a little drunk at a local bar. A man was there and he was drunk as well. After Kevin was born it was obvious he wasn't your father's child. He didn't look like either of us. We both have very stunning features, and Kevin looked more like you. Well the man came back to town a while after Kevin was born. I asked him to meet me so I could tell him about Kevin. Well Greg told me all about his marriage to a man named Daniel. Well after I told him he was a father he said he needed a drink. I should've known better than to get drunk with him again."

"Mom are you telling me that my father is a gay man who was married at the time. The same gay man that is Kevin's father?"

"Yes, Kevin has been living with them for years. Ever since he ran away."

I ran to my room. My dream all those months ago had been real. I searched around my room trying to find the phone Eric had left me. It had to be somewhere. I dug through one of my drawers and found the phone at the very bottom.

"Eric please answer…" the ringing seemed unbearable. "Eric!" I shouted in his ear.

"Ken what is it?"

"My mom just told me about my father."

"What about the bastard?" Eric's voice was rough and hurtful.

"No, I'm the bastard. Eric, Kevin and I are the result of two drunken flings my mother had with a gay man. Kevin went and found our father and I'm stuck here."

Eric was silent. Maybe he was in shock. He had been willing to kill my dad for a very long time. I think he still wants my dad dead. Now he has to accept that he isn't my dad. Or maybe it just had to do with the fact that I sprung a new life story on him in less than a minute.

"Eric?" there was silence on the other end, then a dial tone.

Okay well it could've gone worse. In fact I imagined it worse so it's really a relief. Now I just have to make it through the weekend till school starts up again. Just keep this good thing going till Monday…

"Kenny." Mother called in the early morning.

I stumbled out of my bed and made my way to her room. She was still in her sleeping shirt and her hair was pulled up into a bun. She had a small box sitting on her lap. The smile across her face was enough to bring me into the room. It's so odd to go into her room. I haven't been in there in a long time. Since all of this with dad started up.

"What is it mom?"

She held out the gift box. "Take a look."

I unwrapped the newspaper and found cigarettes sitting in the palm of my hand. I tried to smile and act happy. In truth I was happy to have the option of smoking back. Yet the desire wasn't great enough. Sitting in a hospital for months with no alcohol, cigarettes, or sex really makes you think things over. I don't have to smoke, I could try to be healthy. As for drinking… well I plan to go to the first party I can. Sex, well I think I'll give Bebe a call soon. Can you blame me? I am a guy.

"Oh thanks mom." I tried to sound sincere.

She smiled and leaned towards me. Her lips touched my forehead and pulled away quickly. She was afraid of me. It's odd to have a mother who is afraid of her own kid. Then again it's not me she's afraid of it's dad.

"Well don't tell your father," she isn't using Stuart anymore? "I didn't tell him I wanted to get you a welcoming home gift. You know he wouldn't approve."

I promised to keep the secret. Then I left the room quickly.

School. This is my sanctuary. No one else gets it. This place is a place of wonders. This is the only safe place left. Here people care about your well being. Most of the time at least. I know that the people of South Park aren't very good at caring in the first place, but here at school is where people are the best at it. Sure I hate the students and school can be a living hell, but I have my friends, my friend. I have Eric when I'm here.

Eric drove me to school today in complete silence and walked away. It's the coldest he's been since the accident. I think he'll get over it by lunch. He'll come looking for me when I don't show up to eat. He's my friend, he has to come looking for me.

Walking through the school halls is hard for me. I don't know many people and most of them are looking at me with wonder. Our school is small enough to realize when a kid disappears for months and the reappears suddenly. There were probably twenty rumors flying down the hall right behind me with every step I take. No one would get it right though. Eric wasn't going to tell anyone what had happened. I'm sure the worst rumor is that I was in rehab, which in a way I was.

"Hey there Kenny." Bebe said from nowhere.

She made me jump a little. Bebe was great at just appearing from nowhere. She was the only girl in school who can sneak up on anyone. I think it has to do with sleeping with all the guys. There must be something about knowing all of us that makes us good targets.

"Hey Bebe, what do you want?"

I can hear my voice crack a little bit. I know what she wants. She only ever wants one thing when it comes to me. She'll come by for twenty minutes tops, and then sneak out as quickly as possible. I know this, and she knows it. We also know that most likely she'll be over at my place tonight. I just prefer to pretend like I'm innocent.

"Come on Kenny, you know why I'm talking to you. Leave your window unlocked tonight. I'll be by around midnight."

"Sounds great."

As she started to walk away I got a bad feeling in my stomach. It's the same feeling I get most of the time I'm around Bebe. I'm not around her all that much but anytime I am this feeling overtakes me. There must be something about her that I can't stand. I hate when she comes over, until she's actually there, then she leaves and I feel like shit again. Eric laughs at me ands says I just want to have sex with her too much. I hate when he says that.

I really only slept with Bebe because of a dare the first time. She got dared to have sex with me and I hadn't slept with anyone yet… well anyone I wanted to sleep with. So I said I didn't care. After that night she'd come to me once or twice a month and ask if I wanted to sleep with her again. No one else is asking me so I always say yes. For someone who gets around so much she isn't very good. Hell I would rather sleep with Eric I think. I'd never say that to anyone though.

When I got to Mrs. Kimball's class I ran to my seat next to Kyle. But Stan was sitting there. I was slightly stunned and appalled that I had been replaced so easily. I scanned the room and saw the open seat next to Wendy. She and I never really talked, except when I joked about her boyfriend and Jew boy. I don't think she'll be happy with me sitting next to her. Still, it's the only seat in the whole room that's empty.

"Guess you were right all along." She motions to Stan and Kyle.

"I didn't want to be right Wendy. I was only teasing."

I never noticed before how much like a hick I sound. I rarely talk and when I do I never sound intelligent. I sit down next to her and try not to doze off.

"So where have you been. I haven't seen you around the halls for months. Not that I'm looking for you or anything. But Cartman is always with you and suddenly he looked like a loner again. It was fun to tease him. I heard a lot of different stuff, so what were you really doing?"

"I was in rehab. I guess Cartman thought I smoked and drank too much like my old man. He had his mom send me to rehab. Well that was before she got sent to the hospital. So I just got out a few days back and I decided that I should get back to school."

The answer satisfied her. I guess that was the main rumor. Although adding the detail to my story probably made it more reliable. I know Wendy likes her facts. I just wanted to make the story seem like a fact.

It was hard saying it though. There's a part of me that wanted someone to talk to. Eric wasn't always the best at talking about things. Sometimes having someone to talk to was nice. I could have told Wendy the whole story, gotten everything off my chest right then. I wanted to stop pretending so much. But I could never do that. I have gotten to use to pretending.

Lunchtime is a great time to be outside. The November air is just wonderful. It's great because all the smokers have been caught by now and the back wall is all mine. The school officials don't check here anymore. I have my smokes in my pocket. All day I've wondered if I should use them. I don't feel the need to. Yet all of the lies hurt, and it would feel better if I pulled one of those magic sticks out right now and lit up.

"If Eric doesn't come in two minutes." I whispered to myself.

The minutes flew by quicker than I thought. I reached into my pocket and opened up the box. I lit up and put the cigarette in my mouth. Just then the doors opened. I freaked out for a second thinking it was a schoolteacher or someone important. It was Eric though, my Eric had come a few seconds too late.

"What the fuck Ken? Do you think I spent a ton of money to keep you in that hospital just so you could smoke right after you got out? They said you wouldn't feel the urge to smoke anymore. Damn Kenny you better have a good reason."

"It hurts Eric. It just always hurts."

I felt like I was going to cry. Eric could tell because he closed the school doors and walked towards me. I felt his arms around my small body. He was hugging me. It was nice to be reminded of how he cared. He held me tight while I cried into his shirt. I tried to stop crying but tears kept pouring out of my eyes.

"It'll be okay Ken. I'll make it okay one day. You've just got to stay away from that house."

I shook my head. I couldn't stay away. My siblings needed me. I was the last chance my family had to have a normal child. If the little kids saw me leave too they would think it's what we do. I want them to know they should stay at the house. I want them to have a normal childhood. That won't happen unless I stay.

"I'll always be there for you Ken, even when it seems like I won't be."

I nodded and wrapped my small arms around his waist. He was so much bigger than me. My head only came to his chest. His arms were muscular and warm around me. I felt safe there. In his arms I was safe. I couldn't tell him that though. I don't want to scare him, or make him go away. It will be my little secret, Eric is my safe place.

The rest of the school day brought me back to my original thinking. School was not a safe place. School was not a good nice place with caring people. I'm more tortured here then anywhere else in this town. But I have Eric while I'm at school and as long as he's with me I can be happy. Eric is the person I need to be happy. I think somewhere deep down he knows that. Maybe that's why he stays even with all my problems. I would never make it without him and he knows it. He's my best friend, through it all. I was so wrong though, school is total shit. I guess I thought it was good and caring because Eric's here.

I was heading for Eric's car at the end of the day. It felt nice to be out in the parking lot. It was a sign that the day was done. I didn't have to be here anymore.

"Hey Kenny wait up." Kyle shouted.

Eric was in front of me and turned around. He gave me a look that said to ignore Kyle. I couldn't though. I turned to face him. Jesus he had gotten really close to me.

"What do you want?"

"Listen I talked to Eric while you were gone and I've figured it all out. I want you to know that it's not worth it. You have so much to live for Kenny. I wish you could see how great you are. Stan and I always thought you hated us because of your jokes. Now I see you were just leading us to each other. Even after I realized it and you teased me, you helped Stan see we were meant to be. I have so many thanks to say to you. I just wish that you could see how wonderful you are. Kenneth please stop trying to hurt yourself."

I swung my arm back. I hit that Jew right in the nose. I saw blood too. I felt a whole lot better after that.

"You can't call me Kenneth."

I turned around and walked towards Eric. He was smiling at me. The car was on and my door was open. When I sat down he looked at me.

"Nice punch."

That just made my day.


End file.
